The Mockingbirds

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Make Your Move

Hello, welcome to summer, where the livin’s easy, especially when one has the Mockingbird Movie Guide, where the week’s releases are broken down by Dame Detroit and me, Madame M…Los Angeles. You’re stuck with the latter at the moment, and I’m staring at a list of movies that only inspires a “What the fuck”- not in the “Huh?” sense but in the Ray Ban wearing, mega watt smile flashing sense. Saying it gives you freedom, and freedom gives you opportunity, the opportunity to see something unexpected in the theaters, a rarity in the summer months.

Or you could just dance around the house in your underwear instead, whatever.

SEE:    Wherever your whim takes you

Do a little searching, a little wandering and seek out something different. There’s Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom, which is by all accounts well acted, enchanting and beautiful in that Wes Anderson way. There’s always something heartbreaking or funny or weird or all three in his films that will stick with you, even if his tone is a little twee and the look a little stylized for some tastes. Pair it with the offbeat horror film from Australia called The Loved Ones and you have a potentially mind-expanding situation. Any movie whose plot involves lobotomies and the prom has to be an experience, so go out and get some experience. Just be mindful of where you park your dad’s Porsche.

RENT:    The Alien Quadrilogy

Where do we come from? Are we alone? Is there a god? Is quadrilogy a word? Find all of the answers in the Alien Quadrilogy aka the Alien Anthology aka a bunch of classic films in a fantastic and influential franchise. You get to see the original psychosexual sci fi classic that started it all (and introduced the world to the magnificent Sigourney Weaver- see below), the most quotable movie of all time, the beginning of David Fincher’s feature film career, and a Whedon-penned flick that features Winona Ryder as an android. You’ll also be preparing to enjoy next week’s Prometheus, or maybe reliving the past glories of this franchise in case that movie sucks. Either way you're set. I deal in human fulfillment.

 

SKIP:    Snow White and the Huntsman

See Theron in Young Adult, see Hemsworth in Thor and/or The Avengers, see Nick Frost in the best movie ever, see Stewart in a Lifetime movie in two years and skip this overly CGI-ed, tired interpretation of a fairy tale that is only marginally interesting and also slightly offensive to begin with. This pimp of a movie will steal all the happy memories you may have of the Disney version or at least leave you feeling cheated and bored.

THE REST:    Andy Garcia is the best, but this is not…the Buried dude brings you another horror film…some sort of dance troupe extravaganza thing…FREE VING RHAMES…it’s a pun, y’all.

This post was accepted by the University of Illinois. 

Madame Taunt

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Chillin' Out Maxin' Relaxin' All Cool

It is Friday before a long three-day weekend for most and before you go racing out to the movie theaters to bask in the air-conditioned, ergonomically correct seats, it is important to stop and take a moment to acknowledge what Memorial Day is really about. It's not about blockbuster movie weekend potentials nor is it about being the unofficially official start of the summer season. Honor those who have given their lives for the rest of us year after year, even if it's as simple as one red hot minute of reflection. Because, I guarantee you or someone you know has a veteran in their family and just as many who have lost one. This concludes today's sermon on Tequila Mountain.  

I now bring you the next chapter in the continuing saga of The Mockingbird Movie Guide.  

SKIP:    Chernobyl Diaries

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Hollywood would jump at the chance at taking one of the worst nuclear disasters in history and turning it into the playground for a bad horror movie. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. I shan't even bother saying anything further than dontfuckingbother.

SEE:     Men In Black III

Well, what the hell else is there to see instead? Though Mr. Smith has decided to go the way of Tom-Cruise-Crazy-Town when it comes to his spiritual side, you've got to admit, the man has aged well. He's still entertaining as hell and this time around in the series we get him partnered up with man candy Josh Brolin. Call it the boredom from lack of other choices or call it my very long girlhood crush on the Fresh Prince, but going to spend your dollars on this 106 minutes of celluloid won't be a waste. And when you're driving home afterwards, still picking the popcorn from your teeth and trying to find Summertime on your iPod to blast out the speakers and welcome in the warm days of the aforementioned season, you will be reminded of how lucky you are to be a fan of the most fabulous blog and want to share it with anyone who is literate. Or read aloud to those who are not.

RENT: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

This is usually left off of most "Best of" lists when talking about great television, like so many good comedies. This show had talent, heart and a whole lot of laughter. The show itself had its arcs, the early seasons concentrating on the fish out of water angle, but it managed to grow without too many hiccups into quite the specimen of a top quality comedy that still manages to work on most levels and reminds us how much presence and true entertainer qualities that Will Smith seems to have been born with.

 

Carlton was an underrated comic character, too.

Cue the Carlton dance,

Dame Derision 

Mockingbird Movie Guide: What to Expect When You're Lobotomized

There is no mystical American Indian to free you either. And you have not been committed against your will, humans; this is what we all deserve for watching things like the Real Housetrolls of Lower San Diego and Dancing with the Never Were and acting like Twilight is literature. This slate of flicks? That is our fate, America. For every one Whedony delight we get thirty based-on-a-boardgame movies. We are being punished and I for one am accepting it, at least for a little while. What to expect when I’m accepting? A feeling of crushing defeat and some mild discomfort in my lower back.

I’ve digressed in an effort to stave off the madness. I failed. What to expect when you’re a failure.

SEE:    You’re On Your Own

No, that’s not an actual movie, it’s just me being a little bitchy and a lot lazy. What to expect when I’m broken. I really did look into this week’s new releases quite diligently, but I failed to find one that I could really recommend in good faith. While there is much value in exploring the misconceptions behind female sexuality, it appears that Hysteria is not up to the task, at least with regards to execution. And I myself have much respect for the talents of Sacha Baron Cohen and his efforts to expose the existence and acceptance of anti-Semitism and misogyny, but The Dictator doesn't seem to stay on the satirical point. So, that’s what it is. Go see a play? Or re-watch Firefly or something, like The Countess. We all want to be like The Countess. (Even when I'm down I can still make jokes!)

RENT:    The Great Dictator

In extension of my comments regarding Mr. Cohen (what to expect when I’m loquacious), I admire his desire to pay homage to or bring back the classics of comedy, but again, that movie seems to have failed in that regard. This is a shame seeing as most comedies these days are of the Adam Sandler’s getting paid variety and/or trade in cheap gags and crassness in lieu of ingenuity and character-based humor. There is a remedy, and that would be watching The Great Dictator, a classic of comedy and satire containing one of the finest and funniest scenes ever put to film. I would now like to apologize for never putting it up on the blog. What to expect when I’m not quite myself.

 

SKIP:    What to Expect When You’re Living Out the First Scene in Idiocracy

This movie was cast off the “Celebrities Who are Forever Mockable” list we keep here at Casa Mockingbird. It was based off some sort of pregnancy guide book, which I’m sure was written with the cinematic, visual and dramatic in mind. (Does no one remember the crash and burn that was Shit My Dad Says?) It’s not funny, it’s not sweet, it’s not intelligent, it’s doesn’t feature Chris Evans, so skip it, future leaders of America. What to expect when I’m being sarcastic.

THE REST:    Landry and Riggins together again!...some sort of trippy sci fi indie…a new film from one of the Blair Witch dudes…a drama set in a juvenile detention center…a limited release of a smart suspense film…quirky indie shit yippee…a hot, hot mess…a meditation on masculinity oh wow so necessary and innovative kill me.

This post is what one should expect when I have alcohol poisoning.

Madame Taunt

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Does Anybody Remember Laughter?

It's not as bad as it usually it is. No, I'm not talking about The Office, I'm referring to this week's round of the Mockingbird Movie Guide, where your tour guides, Madame Taunt and I, lead you through the treacherous waters of we-shoot-movies-everywhere-but-Hollywood. The good news is that we get Johnny Depp. The bad news is that The Lucky One and Think Like a Man are still somehow going to be showing in the theaters next door. 

SEE:    Dark Shadows

I'm not saying this is going to be a great film, but odds are you've already seen The Avengers twice in regular dimension and once in 3D, and still want to blow some dough at the theaters, so this is pretty much all you have to choose from. The storyline is weak, there's not a whole lot of cohesion going on with the characters, and I don't expect Edward Scissorhands when I see the trailers for this. I am going for the visually pleasing and darkly fabulous aesthetic of what Tim Burton is bringing to the feast for the eyes.  And he just also happens to be presenting Johnny "Hot Sex on a Platter" Depp as a vampire with some of the craziest hair. A silly, fun and quirky movie is just what is needed.

SKIP:    God Bless America

Goddess Bless Bobcat Goldthwait. Bobcat should've taken the content for his recent directing work and turned it in to an HBO Comedy Special. The brutal honesty that was the catalyst for his story just couldn't propel itself into a successful dark comic-violent film (a la Falling Down). Gold star for Goldthwait on effort, but I'd say you're better off watching just about anything else. 

RENT:    Almost Famous

One of the most underrated films from the in the last fifteen years, it is truly a beautiful film. Besides having a fantastical soundtrack, it has two of the best performances by Frances McDormand and Phillip Seymour Hoffman EVER, and the love story between people and music. Packed full of great quotable lines from some genuine performances by the entire cast, it is never a bad night to watch this with the volume turned nice and loud.  It's too damn hard to pick my absolute favorite scene from this film, but this one could easily be the one.

 

I am a golden goddess,

Dame Derision 

Mockingbird Movie Guide: So You've Assembled....Now What?

I don’t know what that title means, I’m too fucking giddy right now. I’m excited. Stoked. Shivering with antisssssssssss-ipation. These feelings are a bit overwhelming because I don’t usually feel anything let alone things of a positive nature; in fact, this state is so overwhelming that I feel no guilt that I get the good weekends of cinema and Dame Damn Girl gets stuck in some sort of film purgatory every other week. I’m sorry about that, but I really need to focus on my Anya references and searching for clips of Wash before he died and getting ready to defend myself against the restraining order Joss Whedon is surely going to file against me and my grammar. Can't wait for court!

Let's go to work.

SEE:    THE AVENGERSSSSS

This is from Marvel, it is written and directed by the great Joss Whedon, is getting rave reviews and contains things like Hemsworth’s jaw, Robert Downey Jr.’s wit and Chris Evans's heeeey, so go see it. Well-crafted populist entertainment with intelligence and depth is what makes the movies great and should be appreciated and supported. Plus it’s guaranteed to make you laugh like you’ve just heard a Wash quip, cry like you did when Joyce died and fill you with the joy of Angel dancing. And if you’re watching it you’re free from my lame references and threats to go as Spike for Halloween.

 

RENT/WATCH:    Sherlock

If you’ve been paying attention (PAY ATTENTION) to this, The Blog, you may have noticed the word Cumberbatch sneaking in every now and then. That is because of Sherlock, the modern version of the classic detective starring the aforementioned Cumberbatch and his cheekbones and featuring some of the best writing and arguably the best score on television. The first season is streaming on Netflix and the second starts Sunday on PBS, so get into it. You won’t be disappointed. Steven Moffat is a part of this, with his street cred coming from his time running Doctor Who and the brilliant and very Whedonesque Jekyll. Flawed characters remarking on extraordinary situations semi-ironically is the theme here. Rejoice.

 

SKIP:    LOL

I am in way too good of a mood to point out that there is never a shortage of ridiculously awful and formulaic “thrillers” starring people who are so terrible at the art of acting that I will not even call them air quote actors because they are not even good enough for the air quotes. I will also skip the rant about the title of this dreck and how it relates to the general dumbing down and the alarming decline in education and literacy in America. I will not even make a joke about how this paragraph is a prime example of illiteracy in this country. I’ll get to all of that after Buffy explodes the giant snake mayor.

THE REST:    I may not care, but Kate Hudson got to be in a movie with Kathy Bates...Dame Judi Dench and other awesome English types act well...Kathleen Turner is back!...a documentary on water...another doc on dancers...evil families are always fun and relatable...more Samuel L. Jackson.

Fingers crossed for an Evil Willow cameo,

Madame Taunt

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Everybody's Working For The Weekend

It's Friday and once again I must be the harbinger of ill-gotten news on the movie front for the weekend. It's not the worst weekend in the world to have to review; I mean, I could've been stuck with The Lucky One, like The Madame was last week. Lucky me. Let's get to it, my little fabulous lemmings.

SEE:    Safe

It may look like just another action flick where the smoking hot Jason Statham has to save some Asian girl, which it is. But this time it will actually be entertaining, I swear. The plot sounds a bit lame from the outside, but it quietly lures you in to its storyline involving both the Russian and Chinese mobs here in the States. I think Jason is a bit underrated in Hollywood, mostly because he keeps taking roles like this one, but the man does his own stunts. Do you know how rare of a trait that is? Almost as rare as an action flick that doesn't completely suck. A hot English bloke who is not the Blond Bond kicking everyone's asses can still be fun. Why not?

SKIP:    The Five Year Engagement

"Beginning where most romantic comedies end, this film looks at what happens when an engaged couple keeps getting tripped up on the long walk down the aisle."  Just remember that the 25 minutes you spent in traffic, plus the extra 15 to find a parking spot, the $25 for admission that is not refundable and in no way justifies the two hours and four minutes of suckage. I don't even need to mention that it stars Jason Segel.

RENT:    9 to 5

Picking up from where The Baroness left off earlier this week, as great minds do think alike...Three women who do not need to be rescued from anyone, let alone wait around for five years to get married to any man. What a refreshing idea, so modern, so contemporary, so...1980. Yes, despite the fact that it's been over twenty years since its release, 9 to 5 is still a revolutionary storyline that revolves around women lead characters and their strife at work with the biggest asshole of a boss you could have, short of working for Ted Nugent or Rush Limbaugh. This film still works all these years later and there is no vagina pre-requisite to enjoy.

 

Ya got me workin, day and night,

Dame Derision

Mockingbird Movie Guide: No Promises, No Demands

Greetings chickadees and chickadudes, it’s Friday and a love letter in the form of a Mockingbird Movie Guide has landed on your desk. Alas, it was not your secret admirer who sent it but me, Madame Metallican, the slightly demented blogger attempting to lead you through a cinematic battlefield. This week is particularly perplexing as the movies all seem to be about feelings and there are hardly any explosions, in the literal or metaphorical sense. That's okay though. If we learned anything in our childhood is that it's okay to sometimes get in touch with our feelings and unbreak our hearts and wear off-the-shoulder sweatshirts. And also see what’s going on in theaters this week.

We are strong, no one can tell us we’re wrong.

SEE:    Goodbye First Love

Admittedly, this choice may be the result of a bit of a process of elimination among the slim pickings this week, but the film looks beautiful, a story about first love and loss, unique while still being relatable. Most people can relate to the pain of adolescent romance, and now you can relive it with French accents and stunning locations. It was written and directed by a young, acclaimed female filmmaker, so you also get the bonus of supporting and experiencing a perspective that is still rare amongst this week’s (and most weeks’) releases. Tip: There is no '80s soundtrack for this tale of young love, so pair it with white wine as opposed to Haagen Daz. I can't tell you why.

 

RENT:    My So-Called Life

There is one film among those being released this week that you could file under "save my money now and rent later": Darling Companion, which stars Kevin Kline and Diane Keaton. That is a match made in Actors with Depth Who Also Have Impeccable Comedic Timing Heaven (that’s where Cary Grant is!) but the reviews are middling at best. As such, I’d like to suggest buying/renting the series My So-Called Life, a work that perfectly captures how angst-filled, confused, ridiculous, beautiful and self-involved teenagers can be. And while I don’t share the same disdain much of the Internet does towards Girls (Joss Whedon is a product of nepotism, and that turned out fantastically, so maybe we should cut Ms. Dunham some slack) I feel like this show is a far superior depiction of the young and smart and female. Plus it is immune to the lack of diversity criticisms and contains the curiosity known as "Jared Leto as Decent Actor". Tip: Wear flannel. Why do you hurt me so bad?

 

SKIP:    The Lucky One

Shall I? I shall, and blame it on the wine and flannel combo. The lucky one is the one who skips this movie. The lucky one is the one who has never read a Sparks “novel”. The lucky one is at a minimum safe distance from this tripe, with its plastic characters and saccharine story line. The lucky one is named Rachel Weisz, but that's neither here nor there. Zac Efron does have great hair and this going for him though, as a counterpoint. Tip: Ignore the counterpoint. There's no way this will die.

THE REST:    I don’t want to think like a man, fuck off….but are there penguins….a Bob Marley documentary….some sort of teen gothic vampire thing…these things will RIP YOUR FACE OFF.

Heartache to heartache we stand,

Madame Taunt

Mockingbird Movie Guide: In A Van Down By The River

If you're lucky enough to be dodging raindrops in L.A. this weekend, then I propose that you attend the TCM filmfest, going on all weekend, forgo anything in the way of contemporary film viewing and hightail it on over to Graumann's to get your awesomeness on. For the rest of the flock, my sympathies for your geographic shortcomings and urge you to consider giving your dollars to someone worthy like this kid before you donate them to the cause of Hollywood this weekend.

SEE:    Lockout

I'll admit, this week's picks almost read more like the picks from another one of Madame Taunt's twisted Marry, Fuck, Kill posts, but Lockout seemed like the lesser of the three evils. Do you really think The Three Stooges looks better? Not even Cheech & Chong could get high enough to find that movie funny. (I love you, Will Sasso, but, oh, honey, no.) At least this movie has a solid lead actor like Guy Pearce that just might be able to carry whatever hokey plot points and ostentatious visual effects to their ends and still survive with both his dignity and career. He did his own stunts for it, and I give him bonus credit for that since so few actors and actresses even consider it. If it totally sucks, you can always go home and watch Memento or The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and it will immediately redeem him in your eyes no matter how bad the theater-going experience turns out to be.

RENT:    Miss Bala

I'll admit, what first caught my eye about this film is not the storyline (which is tightly written and quite compelling) but rather the fact that Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna are two of the producers. You had me at "Hola." This movie got lost in the Oscar whirlwinds and was curiously left out of the contenders for the Foreign Film category, but thankfully it's on DVD this week, so I strongly suggest you go check it out.

SKIP:    The Cabin In The Woods

What is Hollywood and the masses' obsession with these ridiculously silly horror films that don't seem to retain any of the qualities that make a good horror flick worthy of the title? (See this or this for proper referencing and consequential nightmares.)  I just can't get behind anything like this, let alone sit down and view this piece of crap. Screw the stupid cabin in the stupid woods, I'd rather be in a van down by the river.

 

Kiss My Grits,

Dame Derision 

Mockingbird Movie Guide: I'll Never Let (It) Go

Let us go back, shall we? Back to a simpler time, a time filled with glow sticks and platform shoes and hella good tunes when I was just an innocent drunk, still naïve* to the horrors of mind-numbingly stupid cinema. I remember it was a sunny day, very calm, when my roommate said, "You should really see Titanic. You’re the only person on planet Earth who hasn’t." So I agreed, because vodka, and that was it. That was the beginning of the end. I shaved my head, my heart went black and eventually I started angrily blogging under a pseudonym. Nothing will give me back those three hours, nothing will help me unsee that little old lady throwing the gorgeous necklace into the ocean (PAWN IT), nothing can spare me from the residual negative effects of the misguided faux feminism that inspired many a moron, and nothing will erase the memory of the Lucas-level flat dialogue. I was ruined into the curmudgeon** I am today. (Thank god I already knew these boys, otherwise the effects would’ve been much more apocalyptic.) And now that movie is not only back but also back in 3D and I have no choice but to blog from the fetal position and attempt to work through my anger (fear?) regarding this Cameron masterwork. With vodka.

Talk about a bad trip, but let's go anyway.

SEE:    Damsels in Distress

Now this may be something to help me find a happy place, or at least feel a little more centered: a deadpan comedy about three young women trying to help their fellow students take charge of their lives and help themselves in the process. Damsels in Distress takes place at a small college and was directed by the man who did The Last Days of Disco- these are things worthy of nostalgia, times when I had hope and when movies, particularly of the independent kind, were excellent. And with Greta Gerwig and Adam Brody*** this should be a perfect antidote to the uber commercial killer iceberg story and also provide a delightful respite from the hordes of fans going to see a model boat sink.

 

RENT:    Comic Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope

This may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but since my head is firmly planted up my own ass, I’m going to recommend you rent this documentary on Comic Con and the super fans who make the pilgrimage to this nerd Mecca every year. I can relate to that kind of obsessive fandom, and this quality is probably a big reason why I despise the sinking ship movie so much: once you're exposed to art that exists on more than one level, that is defined by innovative visuals, unique characters and epic stories you have no time to for movies about characters that can “see the real me” but can’t see a way to fit on to a huge plank of wood so as not to freeze to death. I suspect most people can relate to the passion of the Comic Con-ners on some level, even if that obsession doesn’t involve Mulder and/or Scully. Plus Nathan Fillion goes to Comic Con, and who doesn't love Nathan Fillion? (Satan.)

SKIP:    Titanic 3D

The moment of reckoning is here, or maybe it’s a moment of clarity, or perhaps I’m just really annoyed and that is when my soul is at equilibrium, but once again, I get to mock a movie from my traumatic past as it is re-released in my bloggy present. I will never understand why people revere this movie so, why a writer with limited capabilities took on class, gender roles, an historical event and romance when he has little empathy for humanity or any respect for his audiences, or why this film has 11 Oscars. And I will never let it go because I will never understand what the average American sees in this sort of pop culture, or why it was (and still is, to a degree) accepted by the establishment, no matter how much pondering and introspection I partake in. I'm on the outside looking in, mocking character inconsistencies and that wretched dialogue. Shot (of vodka).

THE REST:    Mario van Peebles made another movie, respect….papal humor….Willem Dafoe kind of scares me in a good way…banking horror…an indie romantic comedy…DEAR GOD NO.

My hate (and bad jokes) will go on,

Madame Taunt

*I’ve never been naïve, but just go with it. Thanks.
** I was born that way. But Titanic definitely made it worse.
***I'm in too dark a place to get into the fact an ANTM alum is also in this flick.

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Wake Me When It's Time For "Mad Men"

Why, readers, why?  Just when I think there might be hope of a decent weekend of movie releases, I am quickly reminded of how mediocre the options are. Yet again. This might be enough of an impetus to start a petition to abandon this whole weekly Movie Guide idea altogether. At least until the next Blond Bond flick shows its sexy face that is.  

SEE:    Bully

I don't know if this is a good movie or not, but at least it's provocative enough to make one think outside of one's own self and hopefully encourage parents to, you know...parent. Bullying has been around probably since the dawn of the cave man, though that had more to do with survival than in today's modern version involving fear, ignorance, and bad or outright lack of parenting. I don't know if cave-dwelling teens ever clubbed themselves to death out of despair, but there's not a month that goes by that you don't hear about some kid who was either killed or killed himself because he was victim to a bully. Documentaries are extremely worthwhile ways to spend both your brain cells and your money at the theater.  

SKIP:    Mirror Mirror

This can wait. Maybe even forever. Do you really want to watch a Winklevoss running around in tights and seeing Julia Roberts play the "villain"? This is the closest we're going to get to her being a bad girl, isn't it? Wouldn't it be refreshing if she pulled a Denzel and showed us a bad guy role for a change? Or maybe either way she's a tad overrated. Regardless, I think it's safe to say you'd be better off skipping this one in a public setting.

RENT:    Clash of the Titans (1981!)

Only because the sequel to the 2010 version also comes out this weekend (but we all know to skip that one), it made me long for the camp and circumstance of the original 1981 film starring none other than one of the many fine alumni of L.A. Law, Harry Hamlin. Sure the special effects look like relics and some of it is more than a little bit dated, but it's so fun to watch! The stories are all compelling because they are pulled straight from their literary sources, and let's face it, who doesn't love a classic Greek myth come to life, complete with roles by Laurence Olivier and Maggie Smith? Then you throw in a little Burgess Meredith and you had me at hello. This is still my favorite scene from the film*. It scared the shit out of me as a young lass, but I learned to love it. 

  

It's too late, I've already released the Kraken,

Dame Derision 

*Oddly enough, it's also not far off from scenes from here at Casa Mock when we're a little too hung over or see a Daniel Craig wedding photo.