The Mockingbirds

Weekend Kiss Off: And the Final Mock Oscar Goes To...

...the ceremony itself. It will manage to be the most boring train wreck ever produced, and even though Billy Crystal is a decent host the nominees are lame, there is no drama and Daniel Craig will not be there. We have more important things on our world domination agenda, but we have managed to send a memo or two to the Academy about our choice of host- RuPaul- and ideas for various musical numbers. Alas, we have not heard back, and as such we are forced to bestow upon Brian Grazer and friends the We Will Not Be Ignored, Dan Mock Oscar which looks quite a bit like a bill for the liquor we will be consuming during the telecast.

See you Monday (hopefully),

The Mockingbirds

 

Mock Oscars: Nice Pair

You may have noticed that we Mockingbirds have many feelings towards this year’s Oscar race: we’ve felt rejected, we’ve felt unimpressed, we’ve felt comatose. You will also notice that none of these feelings are positive. This is not our fault and we will not apologize, but I, Madame “It Only Counts as a Bender If It Lasts More Than 12 Hours” Taunt am here to bring a little joy to the proceedings. (After my 25^th Martini, I thought, Why the hell not?) There was some justice this year, namely the nomination of Gary Oldman, an excellent actor giving an excellent performance in an excellent film, and this justice is illustrated through pictures of Oldman in these glasses that, well, they are magnificent. They are period-specific and huge and gloriously absurd and every time I see them I feel a little better not just about the Oscars but life in general. Thusly and henceforth I would like to award Gary Oldman’s glasses the That Which Gives Me Joy Mock Oscar, which is really just a laminated picture of me smiling like a doofus. They just make me happy, like the smell of rain or the name Benedict Cumberbatch; I get the same sort of perverse glee from those monstrous things that I get from the beautifully monstrous performance Albert Brooks gave in Drive. It was perfect and horrific and he was seriously robbed. Now I am sad again. Life is hard.

There is a narrative thread here if you look really, really hard. 

I’m going to sober up now and search for those glasses on eBay,

Madame Taunt

Mock Oscars: Bless-ed Are the Cheesemakers

 

I am not opposed to winners. A lot of them are deserving of the distinction. But, even Metallica put out Lulu. Which is why I have to question the reasoning behind a few of the Oscar nominations this year. Most prominently, Aaron Sorkin's nomination for Moneyball. I think we can all agree that the man is a highly skilled screenwriter who has mastered the arts of dialogue and plot(ting) which no doubt led to his prior numerous accolades. But, Moneyball is a mess. The protagonist is unrelatable (Brad Pitt's terrible performance notwithstanding), the story meanders a great deal, and there appears to be twelve competing themes which are never really resolved in any sort of logical fashion. This does not an "Oscar worthy" screenplay make.¹ 

 

And the nonsensical nominations (alliteration!) don't stop there. John Williams comprises forty percent (40%) of the nominees for best original score, which, for those of you keeping track at home, means (probably means)² that he scored two films last year and both earned him a nomination. This begs the question: does he get nominated for every film he scores?³ It seems pretty safe to say that he is the greatest film composer ever to live, but, as previously mentioned, even Metallica put out Lulu. It is highly improbable that every time he scores a film such score beats out everything else that came out that year to such a degree that it is deemed "Oscar worthy".⁴ There's also Meryl Streep, nominated for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady. I for one will never see this film, and I do not wish to detract from her notable acting skills (which are LEGION), but we have seen previously that she can play a famous Englishwoman. It was a performance for which she was nominated. And a woman who is wickedly successful and perceived to be a wretched bitch. It was also a performance for which she was nominated. All she has done in this role is synthesize the two characters. For her, it has to be like walking and chewing gum at the same time.

 

I'll get to the point (you're welcome). The (ironically named) Academy appears to be just ticking the names of people that they've heard of before. Or, they are just making nominations based on already established reputations. Either way, these nominations do not appear to be based on individualized assessments of the nominee's contributions to the particular projects involved.⁵ So, those Academy members who nominated the aforementioned persons, I hereby bestow the Mock Oscar for Least Imaginative. Congratulations. You are all individuals.

 

Baroness von Jeer

 

 

 

¹ That is, assuming "Oscar worthy" is a term which actually still holds some sort of weight. (See, e.g., Forrest Gump as Best Picture and any non-special-effects-related award for which a James Cameron movie has been nominated.)

 

² No research assistants were harmed during the composition of this post.

 

³ Does anyone know the answer to this? (See FN 2, above.)

 

⁴ See FN 1, above, for qualifying language to be read into this statement.

 

⁵ I suppose this means that we can expect a similar level of discretion when it comes to the voting. Thank god for that.

Mock Oscars: Snubfest 2012, Part Two

"Maturity is often more absurd than youth and very frequently is most unjust to youth."                                                                                                   -Thomas Edison

It is with great disdain that I have to put down my extra dirty Martini and once again write about Snubfest 2012, otherwise known as the 84th Oscar ceremony. As you are already aware, we 'Birds aren't exactly bowled over by the choices this year, but these snubs in particular compel me to climb atop my soapbox. Just as Joseph Gordon-Levitt should've been nominated for a leading actor Oscar, this man should've been the number one contender amongst the males. Not Brad "I'm Trying So Hard To Be Robert Redford" Pitt and Gary "I Will Always Love You, Please Forgive Me For Putting You In The Same Sentence As Brad Pitt" Oldman.

The reasons for both are exactly the same. Both men over age 40 have given way more breathtaking performances worthy of an Oscar but weren't awarded one because they too were overlooked in their more youthful days*. And now the cycle is complete since they stand in the way of men who have given us two of the best performances all year. I get why they didn't nominate this man, obviously he threatens them with more than just his talent. But to simply skip over Mr. Gosling and Mr. Gordon-Levitt is just plain irresponsible and a blatant slap in the face to all of the talented filmmakers under the age of 40. 

Instead of taking a progressive step forward and giving the space for actors like these two talents, we as the audience are reminded, as we are every year, that a severe generation gap still exists in Hollywood and is not going away any time soon. Even a film like Beginners that can build a bridge between the two gets overlooked. And that is why movies like Twilight get to keep the "youthful" votes and anything like The Iron Lady is strictly considered for your parents and ne'er the two shall meet. Youth is a relative term and to pigeon-hole audiences, no matter what the age, is a disservice and a discredit to the real creativity that exists for the screen.

Disturbing the peace,

Dame Derision 

* Mr. Oldman could have easily won for his roles in Sid & Nancy, Immortal Beloved or Leon: The Professional.  And that's just the extemporaneous list!

Mock Oscars: Whoa, Hey

I like to think I’m sort of on top of things- not important "life" things like goals or American political machinations or tax deductions but things like movies and vodka to vermouth ratios- but I nearly spit my dirty Martini out all over my Mockingbird Movie Draft when I saw that not only was Nick Nolte in the movie Warrior but he was also nominated for an Oscar for being excellent in the movie Warrior. This almost certainly means that Nick Nolte is still alive. Hey! Hi! Loved you in Down and Out in Beverly Hills. I'm glad that your portrayal of a Little League coach-turned-pawnbroker with a magical hat transcends the inherent deficiencies of a low budget, soft-core porn movie with homoerotic, slightly incestuous undertones and gratuitous tattoos*; in fact, I am so glad that I will ignore the fact that Academy members often go with what is familiar and instead applaud their honoring of a strong performance in a movie that is a decent genre picture, the type of film that is typically outside their purview. But mostly I’m glad that you, Mr. Nolte, are still doing it, and as such I would like to give you the Hey Man Can I Have Tom Hardy’s Phone Number Mock Oscar, which comes with a personal email from me requesting Tom Hardy’s phone number. Congratulations!

Love the new hair cut,

Madame Taunt

*I have not seen this movie. Call me Tom!

Mock Oscars: Martha Marcy Mary-Kate Ashley and The Other One

If there is one thing I cannot stand it’s predictability; anything expected or typical and definitely anything matching gives me the hives. The same can be said about celebutants- just a quick glance at a picture of a vapid, overly-tanned party girl (never mind seeing one in real life) and it’s again with some sort of anti-moron breakout. Then there are the Olsen twins who are all of the above, on repeat. Double the terror. I’ve never been a fan of these little troll dolls, and admittedly I went into Martha Marcy May Marlene with a bit of anti-troll prejudice. However, the younger Olsen sister, Elizabeth, transcended her name and looks with a performance that was intense, brave and incredible and it was absolutely one of the best of the year. I’m wondering if perhaps the stigma of her family influenced the Academy’s voters. While they tend to embrace the typical and the expected (and probably coordinate their clothes quite nicely) they also tend to reject what they see as below them: the "famous for no reason" type, the fashion plate, the dreaded television actor. Could her nuanced, natural performance not distract them from the memories of the robot Michelle Tanner saying "You got it, dude" until smoke came out of its ears? I’m not sure if this is a sound theory but this is the same group of people who awarded Best Picture to both Titanic AND Forrest Gump. Simple is as simple does. So as a consolation prize, I would like to bestow upon Ms. Olsen the Sorry About Your Family! Mock Oscar, which comes with a one (1) week stay at Casa Mockingbird, three (3) bottles of Mockingbird Vineyards wine, four (4) sessions with our resident listener Countess auContraire and a Michelle Williams Voodoo doll.

Maybe pick a movie with a shorter name next time, too? That might help.

Good luck in your future endeavors,

Madame Taunt

Mock Oscars: Snubfest 2012, Part One

“Maybe you haven’t heard, but I don’t shine shoes no more.” 

Although that is a line from Goodfellas, it is what rings in my ears every time I see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a film. And yet, despite his excellent work, I think Hollywood still thinks of him in the days of his sweet but awkward youth on 3^rd Rock From the Sun (and for those of us old enough to remember, his handful of cameos on Roseanne!). He has proven himself time and again to show not only genuine talent, but a true sense of honesty and intelligence that only makes him more endearing. 

He was so amazingly great in this year’s 50/50 that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science failed to nominate him in the Best Actor Category. Wait...what? Nor did they give the writer a worthy nod by adding him to the list. But Hugo was so much better? Fuck off. (No offense to Mr. Scorsese, I just don't get the hoopla for this one.)

How the fuck do you completely ignore what was easily in the top performances by a human with a penis this year? Easily. Apparently. The film was moving and earnest without any great amount of pretension and somehow able to stifle the usual annoyance of what we refer to as Seth Rogen. Double whammy!

And then you go and throw in a stellar cameo performance from Angelica Huston and great dialogue and still spit in the faces of the filmmakers? That is a trifecta of triumph, but still no love, Oscar?

For shame, Hollywood, for shame. This man shan't be ignored forever.

 

Dame Derision

Mock Oscars: And The Award for Meh Goes To...

Me, of course! That exclamation point was the most excitement I could muster about this entire Oscar situation. Boring.

Call me when this is an option...

Sorry. I have wrasslin' on the brain. But he really does want you to consider. See?

-Countess auContraire

Mock Oscars: Thanks, Coach

There are some fine, fine actors nominated this year for an Oscar in the best lead actor category, and they gave excellent, excellent performances; they have skills, they are nice to look at, they overcame hilariously large glasses and they are French. But one of those things is not like the others, and that thing would be the animate sugar cookie called Brad Pitt. Now, here at La Mockahana: A Blog for Your Soul, we spill a lot of ink besmirching the good name of one Brad “Brad” Pitt, but that is only because he is intolerable and we are right. There have been times when he, his abs, or both have given good performances in film; however, none of those performances, alone or in the aggregate, are Oscar worthy. (His abs did get a Golden Globe for Thelma and Louise, but we all know that hardly counts.) This is especially true of his turn in Moneyball: it lacks depth, it is unsympathetic and it is unbelievably derivative of the superior work done by Kyle Chandler in Friday Night Lights. The similarities between the performances is a universally accepted fact, something that has been scientifically proven. (Or will be proven. Or at least be graphed. Graphs are cool.) The aforementioned depth and humanity areas are lacking, however, and it seems Mr. Pitt replaced those aspects with "wearing a visor" and "not looking stoned", which is an interesting choice to say the least, and apparently an effective way to rack up nominations all over the place. But not a way to garner awards from The Mockingbirds! Nope. Instead, and as a rejection of his Academy Award nomination in particular, I am giving the Acting Coach Mock Oscar to Kyle Chandler for laying the foundation and pep talking Brad Pitt into a “performance” that has garnered him a plethora of accolades, which is a plethora minus one more than Mr. Chandler received during the five years his show was on the air. (Congrats on the Emmy!) Campaign away with your talk of marriage and wear your hair as long as you want, you little moonbeam of a man, but you will never go to State. And you will never be Kyle Chandler, who can also be remarkable in something unremarkable (see: Super 8). And you will of course never win a Mock Oscar, which consists of a shiny plaque, a bottle of Grey Goose and a three month respite from public mockage.

Clear eyes, etc., etc.,

Madame Taunt

Mock Oscars: It is Happening Again

This just in: The Oscars have lost their mind. They are senile; or perhaps they've had a stroke; or maybe they're just on a month-long bender involving booze, pills, male strippers, those little umbrellas you put in fruity drinks and a tiara. All we know for certain is that it is extremely difficult to track down and delete all pictures featuring oneself in a tiara and also that we have much work to do. Our mission (code name: JONAH HILL THE FUCK) is to provide a little perspective during the long national nightmare known as award season, to right any Oscar-related wrongs and to make as many Extremely Lame and Incredibly Ridiculous jokes we can until the ceremony takes place on February 26. Welcome to the Mock Oscars: 2012 Edition. Get into it.  

This is the stuff dreams are made of,

The Mockingbirds

 For a brush up on last year's fun, go here.