The Mockingbirds

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Too Many Notes

It is with heavy heart and tired liver that I bring you the news that the journey to the Oscars is basically over; I am nearly done purging my sins and the sins of cinema that take place this time of year, and this is a blessing as I have had just about enough of the endless campaigning (read: begging) for shiny awards and the endless stream of sub par movies being dumped during this non-qualifying time of year. It is enough to drive one to slit one’s own throat whilst dramatic music plays in the background. The only things keeping me going are the aforementioned music, the fact that Brad Pitt is not going to win the Oscar and making fun of Brad Pitt here on this blog for you lovely people.

Let’s give ourselves some peace. 

SEE:    Bullhead

I suppose I could lighten up a bit and recommend you see Wanderlust but everything I’ve read points to blah and I’ve also used up all of my whimsy writing about Gary Oldman’s specs so I’m not going to do it. (I am also bound by ethics and good taste to not promote the fame-whoring of Jennifer Aniston and her new guy from Mulholland Dr.) Instead I’m going to suggest you find the film Bullhead, about a cattle farmer who gets involved with the mafia that controls the beef trade. It is not as straightforward as it sounds, it’s both lighthearted and tragic and is in both Flemish and French, and if something like this doesn’t snap you out of the stupor that late winter inevitably brings on, then you may be doomed. Plus, you get to tell someone you just saw a Belgian film about the cattle mafia and get that lovely blank stare; then you can explain that you read about it on a blog where ladies pretend to be bird royalty and then you win the conversation AFTER you’ve seen a great film. Brilliant.

WATCH:    Turner Classic Movies

This may be a bit redundant for those who frequent this channel all year, but you should definitely try to catch the programming they have going during their annual "31 Days of Oscar" extravaganza. The films they play are so diverse it’s astounding, and Robert Osborne is the perfect emcee. You are certain to find something you’ve always wanted to see, something you never knew you wanted to see, or something I have seen 836 times, my very favorite film that doesn't star a nebbish comedian or a whip-carrying archaeologist. You can’t rewrite what’s perfect.

 

SKIP:    Gone

How does one segue from Amadeus to this tripe? (Hire a better writer ZING!) I really have no idea what this is supposed to be, but when something is both low rent and described as a “psychological thriller” it's best to avoid it until that time you’re too hungover to get off the couch and you need something truly awful to take your mind off your personal shame.

THE REST:    An Albanian film about a blood feud…this movie is Tebow-approved….an Australian Red Dawn…not that kind of fairy….Claire Huxtable!

Well there it is,

Madame Taunt

Mock Oscars: Nice Pair

You may have noticed that we Mockingbirds have many feelings towards this year’s Oscar race: we’ve felt rejected, we’ve felt unimpressed, we’ve felt comatose. You will also notice that none of these feelings are positive. This is not our fault and we will not apologize, but I, Madame “It Only Counts as a Bender If It Lasts More Than 12 Hours” Taunt am here to bring a little joy to the proceedings. (After my 25^th Martini, I thought, Why the hell not?) There was some justice this year, namely the nomination of Gary Oldman, an excellent actor giving an excellent performance in an excellent film, and this justice is illustrated through pictures of Oldman in these glasses that, well, they are magnificent. They are period-specific and huge and gloriously absurd and every time I see them I feel a little better not just about the Oscars but life in general. Thusly and henceforth I would like to award Gary Oldman’s glasses the That Which Gives Me Joy Mock Oscar, which is really just a laminated picture of me smiling like a doofus. They just make me happy, like the smell of rain or the name Benedict Cumberbatch; I get the same sort of perverse glee from those monstrous things that I get from the beautifully monstrous performance Albert Brooks gave in Drive. It was perfect and horrific and he was seriously robbed. Now I am sad again. Life is hard.

There is a narrative thread here if you look really, really hard. 

I’m going to sober up now and search for those glasses on eBay,

Madame Taunt

Mock Oscars: Whoa, Hey

I like to think I’m sort of on top of things- not important "life" things like goals or American political machinations or tax deductions but things like movies and vodka to vermouth ratios- but I nearly spit my dirty Martini out all over my Mockingbird Movie Draft when I saw that not only was Nick Nolte in the movie Warrior but he was also nominated for an Oscar for being excellent in the movie Warrior. This almost certainly means that Nick Nolte is still alive. Hey! Hi! Loved you in Down and Out in Beverly Hills. I'm glad that your portrayal of a Little League coach-turned-pawnbroker with a magical hat transcends the inherent deficiencies of a low budget, soft-core porn movie with homoerotic, slightly incestuous undertones and gratuitous tattoos*; in fact, I am so glad that I will ignore the fact that Academy members often go with what is familiar and instead applaud their honoring of a strong performance in a movie that is a decent genre picture, the type of film that is typically outside their purview. But mostly I’m glad that you, Mr. Nolte, are still doing it, and as such I would like to give you the Hey Man Can I Have Tom Hardy’s Phone Number Mock Oscar, which comes with a personal email from me requesting Tom Hardy’s phone number. Congratulations!

Love the new hair cut,

Madame Taunt

*I have not seen this movie. Call me Tom!

Mock Oscars: Martha Marcy Mary-Kate Ashley and The Other One

If there is one thing I cannot stand it’s predictability; anything expected or typical and definitely anything matching gives me the hives. The same can be said about celebutants- just a quick glance at a picture of a vapid, overly-tanned party girl (never mind seeing one in real life) and it’s again with some sort of anti-moron breakout. Then there are the Olsen twins who are all of the above, on repeat. Double the terror. I’ve never been a fan of these little troll dolls, and admittedly I went into Martha Marcy May Marlene with a bit of anti-troll prejudice. However, the younger Olsen sister, Elizabeth, transcended her name and looks with a performance that was intense, brave and incredible and it was absolutely one of the best of the year. I’m wondering if perhaps the stigma of her family influenced the Academy’s voters. While they tend to embrace the typical and the expected (and probably coordinate their clothes quite nicely) they also tend to reject what they see as below them: the "famous for no reason" type, the fashion plate, the dreaded television actor. Could her nuanced, natural performance not distract them from the memories of the robot Michelle Tanner saying "You got it, dude" until smoke came out of its ears? I’m not sure if this is a sound theory but this is the same group of people who awarded Best Picture to both Titanic AND Forrest Gump. Simple is as simple does. So as a consolation prize, I would like to bestow upon Ms. Olsen the Sorry About Your Family! Mock Oscar, which comes with a one (1) week stay at Casa Mockingbird, three (3) bottles of Mockingbird Vineyards wine, four (4) sessions with our resident listener Countess auContraire and a Michelle Williams Voodoo doll.

Maybe pick a movie with a shorter name next time, too? That might help.

Good luck in your future endeavors,

Madame Taunt

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Synchronicity Now

Hello, is it me you’re looking for? That’s rhetorical because I am here anyway, manning the controls of the Mockingbird Movie Falcon as we fly through an asteroid field of movies good, bad or otherwise. While it is The Dame’s destiny to do further research on Fassbender’s special talents, it is mine to fly my Mock X-wing straight at the monolithic horror that is George Lucas’s vision (coming at you in 3D!) and fire two torpedoes at Jar Jar Binks. Yes, I am mockblogging when the supposedly retired destroyer of my childhood is releasing a film and my life has new focus. Hopefully, it’s not a trap.

Cue the Cantina Music (Note: do not, we can’t afford it):

SEE:    Rampart

One way to avoid cinematic travesties and the fan boys who love them is to see Rampart, a film about a degenerate cop on a downward spiral in Los Angeles. It is written by James Ellroy and as such will have that pulp-y, twisted L.A. noir feel, and the acting, in particular Woody Harrelson’s performance, is said to be stellar. A film that explores race relations and violence in Los Angeles can be challenging and heartbreaking but that is always more fulfilling than heartless and soul-deadening with a character that is racist in conception.* Plus, I feel like it’s good to support art that endeavors to portray Los Angeles as the complex organism that it is, where class and ethnicities push and pull, especially if that art is something other than the fluff-fest that is The Closer. ** If all of this seems like a bit of a downer, there is always Chronicle, certified to be awesome by the Nerd Elite and written by the son of John Landis, a director who never went back and added CGI effects to An American Werewolf in London.

RENT:    The Films of Walter Hill

Not all genre films with unique visions are tampered with and repackaged into a gross, commercialized pile of ill-conceived back story and poor performances; some remain perfectly strange reflections of the times they were made in and ironically become classics, cult or otherwise. Sometimes you need a little weird, you know? Wakes you up a bit and distracts you from the cynical world- like reading this blog or doing tequila shots. Such is the case with Walter Hill’s films, from The Driver to The Warriors to Streets of Fire, all of which are frightening, beautiful, odd and most of all compelling. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll ponder Diane Lane’s lack of lip synching abilities (Helen Keller would’ve done a better job) and you won’t have to hear a virgin blather on about pod races and Darth Maul. In conclusion, this paragraph is just an excuse to post the trailer for Streets of Fire, my new favorite thing.

 

SKIP:    GEORGE LUCAS

We have arrived. This is the moment. The skies have opened up and lo, I get to fulfill my Mockingbirds at the Movies duty by covering the most mockable of all movies, Star Wars Episode I. (If the blog had existed when The Crystal Skull came out, this would have already happened.) Now you will find a much more articulate breakdown of this cinematic travesty in the corresponding chapter of Simon Pegg’s memoirs, but let’s not ruin my fun. This flick, its nature and the principle of its existence, is a veritable buffet of NO: it is condescending, cynical, poorly conceived, poorly written, on the whole poorly executed, completely lacking heart, has spurious motives behind it, wastes great acting talent and is totally unnecessary. So here it is: DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE IT’S A TRAP. Okay, that was a bit anticlimactic, but I think it says it, in a t-shirt ready kind of way. A t-shirt that I will trademark and mass produce and sue anyone who steals it and then become that which I hate. Circle of life.

THE REST:    Denzel vs. Not Chris Pine…some chick fails to understand forgetting Channing Tatum is a good thing…EWAN McGREGOR IS NAKED AGAIN…the story of a female soldier returning home…a gorgeous animated movie about a Latin music duo…let us bask in the glory of The Rock aka The Countess’s future ex.

Han shot first (so let it go, little man),

Madame Taunt

*Full disclosure: I have never seen The Phantom Menace, something I am proud of and about which I am quite smug.

**Seriously, this is one of the few shows that actually addresses the fact that non-Beverly Hills types exist in this town. Southland does, too.

Mock Oscars: Thanks, Coach

There are some fine, fine actors nominated this year for an Oscar in the best lead actor category, and they gave excellent, excellent performances; they have skills, they are nice to look at, they overcame hilariously large glasses and they are French. But one of those things is not like the others, and that thing would be the animate sugar cookie called Brad Pitt. Now, here at La Mockahana: A Blog for Your Soul, we spill a lot of ink besmirching the good name of one Brad “Brad” Pitt, but that is only because he is intolerable and we are right. There have been times when he, his abs, or both have given good performances in film; however, none of those performances, alone or in the aggregate, are Oscar worthy. (His abs did get a Golden Globe for Thelma and Louise, but we all know that hardly counts.) This is especially true of his turn in Moneyball: it lacks depth, it is unsympathetic and it is unbelievably derivative of the superior work done by Kyle Chandler in Friday Night Lights. The similarities between the performances is a universally accepted fact, something that has been scientifically proven. (Or will be proven. Or at least be graphed. Graphs are cool.) The aforementioned depth and humanity areas are lacking, however, and it seems Mr. Pitt replaced those aspects with "wearing a visor" and "not looking stoned", which is an interesting choice to say the least, and apparently an effective way to rack up nominations all over the place. But not a way to garner awards from The Mockingbirds! Nope. Instead, and as a rejection of his Academy Award nomination in particular, I am giving the Acting Coach Mock Oscar to Kyle Chandler for laying the foundation and pep talking Brad Pitt into a “performance” that has garnered him a plethora of accolades, which is a plethora minus one more than Mr. Chandler received during the five years his show was on the air. (Congrats on the Emmy!) Campaign away with your talk of marriage and wear your hair as long as you want, you little moonbeam of a man, but you will never go to State. And you will never be Kyle Chandler, who can also be remarkable in something unremarkable (see: Super 8). And you will of course never win a Mock Oscar, which consists of a shiny plaque, a bottle of Grey Goose and a three month respite from public mockage.

Clear eyes, etc., etc.,

Madame Taunt

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Let's Get Pretentious

 
We have been alluding to it for weeks now, creating a sense of doom but also perhaps a little excitement, that perverse thrill that comes from watching storm clouds gather on the horizon as the tornado warning is announced on the news: its Oscar season. We’re still in watch mode at the moment, but it’s never too early to stock up on supplies: skepticism, cynicism, actual taste, insider lingo, disdain, booze, and snacks. Those last two are key as we will need our strength to get through the piles of glossy and glittery pieces of cinema that have been dolled up, packaged and campaigned within an inch of their lives and to also deal with our surprise when we find a truly excellent film. Yes, they’re in there, because the world is a crazy place. (Somebody oughta sell tickets, a wise man once said. In a movie.)

Okay then.

SEE:    Monsieur Lazhar

This film tells the story of an Algerian immigrant in Montreal who is hired as an elementary school teacher under tragic circumstances, and did well in festivals and is now nominated for the Best Foreign Film Oscar. It’s in French, which adds that high art sheen, but it is also touching, funny and heartbreaking, so ultimately it is a more visceral experience as opposed to a coldly intellectual one like some art house films can be. (A Metallica-obsessed chick who’s usually fairly cold-hearted herself and who is also writing this may have teared up at the trailer. Perhaps.) If you are not in the mood to have your heart torn out or to read, you can always go see The Grey which is a movie about Liam Neeson fighting wolves. I am recommending this movie simply because I wanted to type “Liam Neeson fighting wolves” and I also must confess that if ever I were kidnapped or lost in the wilderness I would for sure call Liam Neeson, who is now a legitimate action star as well as a respected actor. He may not be abe to save me in real life, but it would be nice to meet him nonetheless. Plus, he’s tall.

 

RENT/FIND:    The Artist

I took a quick trip through past Mockingbird Movie Guide glories, and I didn’t see a recommendation for this film. Apologies. Feel free to dismiss this film as brazenly populist but I would argue that is precisely the point. A movie about the importance of the medium and how much it means not just to the artists but also the audience should be a crowd-pleaser; it should also be inspiring and sad and have John Goodman and tap dancing. We can thank the French for this as well, which may explain why the film is so beautiful and expertly crafted, almost as beautiful and expertly crafted as Notorious, one the best films of all time and also one of my favorites, a film that is out on Blu Ray now, a fact THAT NO ONE TOLD ME. I will remember that.

SKIP:    One for the Money 

Perhaps your punishment should be watching this pile of toe nail clippings masquerading as a movie- that will teach you to not cater to my every whim and taste. Now, I am not as big a Heigl Hater as a good portion of the population is, but I definitely have little respect for her as an actress. Her skills are marginal (less than marginal if her wavering Jersey accent in the trailer is any indication) and her looks are merely fine, but the real problem is her refusal to make a good decision when it comes to her career. "Am I universally hated? Yes? Well then I’ll do a movie with Ashton Kutcher!" That is not the right choice. That is the wrong choice, regardless of the salary. And that was just one choice in a string of misguided and ridiculous career moves culminating in this mediocre comedy of bad hair and being handcuffed naked but at least that’s never been in a movie before, right? In conclusion, I really don’t want to have to write about this chick again except if I get inspired to compose a rant about her Golden Girl hair and how I would like to start a fund to pay Tilda Swinton to give her some styling tips. Stay tuned for that goodness.

I am so not on point. I think I'm still mad about the Notorious thing. Or I'm still obsessing over Ms. Swinton's hair. Anyway.

THE REST:    A Holocaust drama….a movie that is what its title says it is….Glenn Close in drag…we need to talk about Tilda Swinton and her hair some more…a French drama about cancer.

This is just the beginning,

Madame Taunt

Our Role Model

We've just sent in our applications for The Dowager Countess of Grantham School of Insults and Hats. Fingers crossed!



Video via Vulture

Marry, Fuck, Kill: Jehovah! Jehovah!

 
It’s a new year, a new dawn, a new era for us Mockingbirds, one full of hope and beauty and where we take the inevitable step from simple agitators to full on blasphemers. It feels good to be home.

You may recall we have been dabbling in the Marry, Fuck, Kill arts, somewhat casually, but we feel we’re ready to get really real, as the saying goes. This round we will be hypothesizing about deities, higher powers, actual gods (instead of gods among men). The subjects are Yahweh, Ganesha and Pluto aka Hades, and the stone throwers are Baroness “Agnosticism is not a Disease” von Jeer and Madame “Loyal Opposition” Taunt. Can we get an "Amen"? Thanks. Let's get on this.

Madame Taunt says, Blessed are the cheese makers, and also:

MARRY:    Yahweh, because all of the fear He has inspired in me has evolved into respect, and that is a criteria on this blog (and in real life in a strange twist of events) for a marriage partner. The one hitch would be all the rules He has (apparently there are lots!) and how they would affect every aspect of my life, even the eating parts; I do suspect, however, that He could introduce me to Spielberg so I could definitely work within those confines.

FUCK:    Having to do more with convenience than anything, I choose to fuck Pluto because I will be spending much time in the underworld (read: all of eternity). Plus, the Greek gods have the physiques that inspire Daniel Craig, so you know, YES.

KILL:    I am choosing to kill Ganesha mostly due to a process of elimination thing and my own ignorance. I am aware that Ganesha is the god of knowledge but he has yet to bestow much knowledge of Hinduism upon me, so this his fate. Logic. (Unless naan is part of its belief system? I know much about naan.) Anyway, ethnocentrism rears its ugly head and I apologize.


The Baroness says, You are all individuals! as well as:

MARRY:    Pluto/Hades.  The joke is trite, but I will be surrounded by friends in the
underworld. And, isn't metal the soundtrack in hell?  I do like metal.
 
FUCK:    Yahweh. He has no fewer than 613 commandments to follow. You can't speak his name. Your face melts off if you try to look at him. In short, he's too scary too marry. (Rhymes!) But! He's also too scary to kill. So, this is really the best place for him.
 
KILL:    Ganesha. This is also primarily due to process of elimination. And since he's all concerned with learning and the arts, and not something powerful like war or thunder, he seems pretty easy to kill as far as gods go. I am all about conserving energy these days.


Well, our hand basket is waiting so we will leave you with this deep analysis to ponder over a nice glass of wine, the appropriate drink. And as is our way, we will be back with another exciting installment of this Marry, Fuck, Kill series as we know you are all dying for it.

Watch out for lightning,

The Mockingbirds

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Working It All Out

Hark! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and the Mockingbird Movie Guide is the sun. It is also January, the beginning of a new year, which gives me hope, and the beginning of a new film awards season, which fills me with dread. As such I’m neutral at the moment. This is not a state of mind I am comfortable with on any level (give me hatred or give me Daniel Craig) but I shall press on in an effort to inform you on the best, the okay and the Mark Wahlberg coming to your cinemas this week.

I’m lying. I really just want to make Living Single references. Where my nun-chucks at?!

SEE:    Joyful Noise

Suck it, pretense! Bite me, cynicism! Piss off, Friday the 13^th curse (of bad luck and horrible sequels)! I’m going to try something called optimism and this film seemed like the perfect way to experience the joy of camp and earnest expressions of love and happiness. Joy is in the title, which was my first clue, with the second and third being the presence of Dana "Queen 'Kadija James' Latifah" Owens and Dolly "Dolly Parton" Parton, respectively. It’s true that this perhaps has the look of a straight-to-DVD or Lifetime movie, and Ms. Parton’s face is looking a little too worked on, but we could all use a light and airy distraction from the crushing self-seriousness that will descend upon audiences soon enough.* Plus, it behooves us all to lighten up a bit and give in to some silly now and then, especially if the now is the soul-crushingly dark month that is January.

 

RENT:    Things

Okay, I’m over it, got that positive shit out of my system. We all have some work to do as awards shows fast approach; we need to educate ourselves on the movies that are being nominated so as to be enraged at the ludicrousness of the entire process in a more informed way. Or I could do that, blog about the experience (with visual aids) and you can read it- that can be our solemn promise to each other. I am going to start by tracking down the sure to be ignored Take Shelter, starring Michael “Nu General Zod” Shannon, because it is supposed to be excellent, frightening and unusual, and while I am standing in line behind a film school grad in a cardigan and skinny jeans (male) discussing symbolism in Argento’s films, I will daydream about finding the horror-musical directed by Vincent D’Onofrio called Don’t Go in the Woods because the words "horror-musical directed by Vincent D’Onofrio" are magical. At least in that order.

SKIP:    Contraband

I implore everyone to skip this bit of Hollywood schlock and instead use those two-plus hours researching the why behind Marky Mark’s eyebrows. I am obsessed, yet my busy schedule hasn’t permitted me to google them or stop caring. Why do they do that? Are they waxed to a point? Did he do Botox? I think I am sublimating all of my hatred towards Wahlberg- borne out of him being responsible for the misogynistic bit of clichéd trash that was Entourage, for having a typical Hollywood tool attitude, for trying to deny his Funky Bunch past, for being short- into this follicle-based obsession, and I apologize. But they are freaky and wrong! And I really didn’t want to actually write about whatever this movie is, but I definitely want to warn people off. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I wish Living Single was streaming on Netflix.

THE REST:    Meryl Streep is still the best actress alive…Sybil leaves Downton Abbey for a modern day drama….Tilda Swinton gives birth to a sociopath…a fairly interesting ensemble tries to elevate a pretty cliche story…Michael Biehn!

That wasn't so bad for the first go in the new year. I'm feeling very refreshed.

Ride the maverick,

Madame Taunt

*This could also be achieved by going to see the re-release of Beauty and the Beast, an excellent movie that I can not watch again because I’ve yet to get over the death of Jerry Orbach. RIP Lenny Briscoe.