The Mockingbirds

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Chillin' Out Maxin' Relaxin' All Cool

It is Friday before a long three-day weekend for most and before you go racing out to the movie theaters to bask in the air-conditioned, ergonomically correct seats, it is important to stop and take a moment to acknowledge what Memorial Day is really about. It's not about blockbuster movie weekend potentials nor is it about being the unofficially official start of the summer season. Honor those who have given their lives for the rest of us year after year, even if it's as simple as one red hot minute of reflection. Because, I guarantee you or someone you know has a veteran in their family and just as many who have lost one. This concludes today's sermon on Tequila Mountain.  

I now bring you the next chapter in the continuing saga of The Mockingbird Movie Guide.  

SKIP:    Chernobyl Diaries

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Hollywood would jump at the chance at taking one of the worst nuclear disasters in history and turning it into the playground for a bad horror movie. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. I shan't even bother saying anything further than dontfuckingbother.

SEE:     Men In Black III

Well, what the hell else is there to see instead? Though Mr. Smith has decided to go the way of Tom-Cruise-Crazy-Town when it comes to his spiritual side, you've got to admit, the man has aged well. He's still entertaining as hell and this time around in the series we get him partnered up with man candy Josh Brolin. Call it the boredom from lack of other choices or call it my very long girlhood crush on the Fresh Prince, but going to spend your dollars on this 106 minutes of celluloid won't be a waste. And when you're driving home afterwards, still picking the popcorn from your teeth and trying to find Summertime on your iPod to blast out the speakers and welcome in the warm days of the aforementioned season, you will be reminded of how lucky you are to be a fan of the most fabulous blog and want to share it with anyone who is literate. Or read aloud to those who are not.

RENT: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

This is usually left off of most "Best of" lists when talking about great television, like so many good comedies. This show had talent, heart and a whole lot of laughter. The show itself had its arcs, the early seasons concentrating on the fish out of water angle, but it managed to grow without too many hiccups into quite the specimen of a top quality comedy that still manages to work on most levels and reminds us how much presence and true entertainer qualities that Will Smith seems to have been born with.

 

Carlton was an underrated comic character, too.

Cue the Carlton dance,

Dame Derision 

Marry, Fuck, Kill: Well, Get On With It

Hello all, and welcome back to another installment of Marry, Fuck, Kill, a game that is rigged so that only we 'Birds win. It's a metaphor for life, y'all. Now that your mind is blown, let's get into it by introducing the players: Dame "I Heart Tony Soprano" Derision and Countess "Where the Hell is Tom Quinn?!" auContraire, and they are hunting down Stringer Bell, Adam Carter and Don Draper.

This game's beyond the fucking game.

Countess auContraire elucidates:

MARRY:    Stringer Bell. Street smart AND book smart?! He is my dream. Sure he's a ruthless drug kingpin, but I know that snitches end up in ditches and plausible deniability is everything, so I would make the most fantabulous mob wife. The HATS and sunglasses of it all!!! I'm just as jazzed for my funeral outfit as I am for the wedding dress.

FUCK:    Adam Carter. His work schedule is too hectic for marriage and I'm too pretty to be collateral damage if one of his missions go south. It did not work out so well for the first Mrs. Carter. So delicious sexy sex with him whispering sweet Arabic nothings in my ear it is! An English spy speaking Arabic??!!! Good God, YES!!!

KILL:    Don Draper. Sorry, Don, but you gotsta die. He's a badass for the '50s and '60s, but not nearly as badass as Stringer or Adam. Can I fuck him once or thirty times before I kill him, though?

Dame Derision waxes poetically:

MARRY:    Don Draper. For reasons further explained in the next category, I have chosen the smooth and sexy, and probably the most obvious choice. If you have the gift of sight, that is all the justification I need. Furthermore, I can dig a man who was born to wear a Brooks Brothers suit, listens to Frank Sinatra and who appreciates good whisky. And, quite frankly, some of the modern men could take a cue from your style. Do I really need to say more?

FUCK:    Stringer Bell. If my boy Omar hadn't have killed you off, you'd be up there in the Marry category. But the thought of becoming a widow and then needing to flee Baltimore as soon as your body hit the cemetery are my main reasons for turning down the proposal of one of the finest men to walk the Earth. So instead, I will choose you as my man-slave until The Baroness pries you from my bedroom chambers. (Avon was not as smart as you and I always was on your team, for the record.)

KILL:    Adam Carter. I googled you.  You're pretty cute. Unfortunately, I am not as up on  my BBC watching as I should be. That being said, I have to choose you for the muerte for this round as I am not familiar with your character. My apologies, as I'm sure you'd be worthy of trying to prove me wrong.

Pour yourself a stiff one, light a cigarette and remember, you are okay.

The Mockingbirds

The Mockingbird Way To Insult Someone Is...

...with a bag of dicks. Because it is a totally appropriate response to someone who is an idiot, not with the flock, and/or dating a Kardashian. And for the asshole who just cut you off on the freeway.

 

Dame Derision

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Does Anybody Remember Laughter?

It's not as bad as it usually it is. No, I'm not talking about The Office, I'm referring to this week's round of the Mockingbird Movie Guide, where your tour guides, Madame Taunt and I, lead you through the treacherous waters of we-shoot-movies-everywhere-but-Hollywood. The good news is that we get Johnny Depp. The bad news is that The Lucky One and Think Like a Man are still somehow going to be showing in the theaters next door. 

SEE:    Dark Shadows

I'm not saying this is going to be a great film, but odds are you've already seen The Avengers twice in regular dimension and once in 3D, and still want to blow some dough at the theaters, so this is pretty much all you have to choose from. The storyline is weak, there's not a whole lot of cohesion going on with the characters, and I don't expect Edward Scissorhands when I see the trailers for this. I am going for the visually pleasing and darkly fabulous aesthetic of what Tim Burton is bringing to the feast for the eyes.  And he just also happens to be presenting Johnny "Hot Sex on a Platter" Depp as a vampire with some of the craziest hair. A silly, fun and quirky movie is just what is needed.

SKIP:    God Bless America

Goddess Bless Bobcat Goldthwait. Bobcat should've taken the content for his recent directing work and turned it in to an HBO Comedy Special. The brutal honesty that was the catalyst for his story just couldn't propel itself into a successful dark comic-violent film (a la Falling Down). Gold star for Goldthwait on effort, but I'd say you're better off watching just about anything else. 

RENT:    Almost Famous

One of the most underrated films from the in the last fifteen years, it is truly a beautiful film. Besides having a fantastical soundtrack, it has two of the best performances by Frances McDormand and Phillip Seymour Hoffman EVER, and the love story between people and music. Packed full of great quotable lines from some genuine performances by the entire cast, it is never a bad night to watch this with the volume turned nice and loud.  It's too damn hard to pick my absolute favorite scene from this film, but this one could easily be the one.

 

I am a golden goddess,

Dame Derision 

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Everybody's Working For The Weekend

It's Friday and once again I must be the harbinger of ill-gotten news on the movie front for the weekend. It's not the worst weekend in the world to have to review; I mean, I could've been stuck with The Lucky One, like The Madame was last week. Lucky me. Let's get to it, my little fabulous lemmings.

SEE:    Safe

It may look like just another action flick where the smoking hot Jason Statham has to save some Asian girl, which it is. But this time it will actually be entertaining, I swear. The plot sounds a bit lame from the outside, but it quietly lures you in to its storyline involving both the Russian and Chinese mobs here in the States. I think Jason is a bit underrated in Hollywood, mostly because he keeps taking roles like this one, but the man does his own stunts. Do you know how rare of a trait that is? Almost as rare as an action flick that doesn't completely suck. A hot English bloke who is not the Blond Bond kicking everyone's asses can still be fun. Why not?

SKIP:    The Five Year Engagement

"Beginning where most romantic comedies end, this film looks at what happens when an engaged couple keeps getting tripped up on the long walk down the aisle."  Just remember that the 25 minutes you spent in traffic, plus the extra 15 to find a parking spot, the $25 for admission that is not refundable and in no way justifies the two hours and four minutes of suckage. I don't even need to mention that it stars Jason Segel.

RENT:    9 to 5

Picking up from where The Baroness left off earlier this week, as great minds do think alike...Three women who do not need to be rescued from anyone, let alone wait around for five years to get married to any man. What a refreshing idea, so modern, so contemporary, so...1980. Yes, despite the fact that it's been over twenty years since its release, 9 to 5 is still a revolutionary storyline that revolves around women lead characters and their strife at work with the biggest asshole of a boss you could have, short of working for Ted Nugent or Rush Limbaugh. This film still works all these years later and there is no vagina pre-requisite to enjoy.

 

Ya got me workin, day and night,

Dame Derision

Marry, Fuck, Kill: And The Band Played On

And on and on, and so forth and henceforth, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum. We will leave no stone unturned and no male untouched as we Mockingbirds marry, fuck and kill our way across the globe. We are still evaluating musical folk, and in this round the players are Dame "Jack White is The New Black" Derision and Baroness "Newsted Doesn't Get Enough Love" von Jeer, and the playees are, in alphabetical order, Lenny Kravitz, Lars Ulrich and Thom Yorke.

Bang a gong or something of that ilk.

The Dame in sotto voce: (This is a perplexing set of choices because whom I pick to kill, might in a most unfortunate ironic turn, cause not one, but two fellow 'Birds to kill me. You, readers, are my witnesses, just in case this winds up being my last post.)

MARRY:    Thom Yorke. This is not the choice for 99.9% of the masses, but I do not care nor does that keep me from choosing him as my lawfully wedded husband. I would be surrounded by musical genius and would gladly become his baby machine. Please note that I do not say this about anyone. There are only a few living, breathing men that I could say this about, so you best know I'm not kidding. Did I mention that if my soul could sing, it would sound like his voice? Mock me all you want about his uneven eyes or spastic dancing. I. Love. Him. No...really, can we make this happen? Please?

FUCK:    Lenny Kravitz, as I will gladly take sloppy seconds from Denise Huxtable if he will sing my favorite songs off of Mama Said to me after he catches his breath. While we spoon. What can I say? The man is hot, whether it's long dreads, short dreads or no hair at all. He also happens to be a Gemini, his middle name is Albert (which is a great fucking name) and his mom was on The Jeffersons.  Hel-lo, bonus points.

KILL:    Lars Ulrich. I'm sorry, Baroness and Madame, you know I, too, loves me some Metallica (METALLICA4EVA!) and all, but poor Lars just can't come into my bedroom.  Unless he's going to set up his drum set and play for me. Despite having the requisite awesome qualities like being a drummer in a band I love, unfortunately it is his physical traits (as well as the fact he's up against Thom and Lenny) that disqualify him altogether.  He just doesn't meet the minimum height requirement necessary to gain entrance into this palace.


The Baroness strums her acoustic thoughtfully:

MARRY:    Mr. Ulrich. I know this seems like it would be a knee jerk reaction for me to choose to marry a Metallican. But, in the interest of fully participating in the exercise, I considered several factors before arriving at my final decision. Like, could I marry someone when there is no physical attraction? (I share The Madame's inability to view the musicians I love most in a sexual way. Besides, he prefers women who are taller than him, and I prefer men who are taller than me. Since we are the same height, it'll never work. I guess you could say we see eye to eye. Ha!) And, could I handle his incessant talking? This is particularly problematic for me as I talk almost as much as him. I don't think we would be able to convince people to hang out with us. Except for Kirk. Kirk does whatever Lars says.
 
FUCK:    Lenny Kravitz. He's gorgeous, friendly, laid back (even if it's chemically induced), and since I can't stand his music, I won't feel like a groupie.

KILL:    Thom Yorke. As a general rule, I try not to judge artists by the quality of their fan base. But Thom Yorke fans are, for the most part, the most self-serious, self-righteous and blowhardy people on the planet. It makes it hard to see past that, and I can't resist the opportunity to see their faces upon hearing the news that their savior is no longer with us.


The end. And this truly is the day the music died.

No, we are not above making that joke,

The Mockingbirds

The Mockingbird Way To Spend A Friday Night Is...

...dancing that ass off. Because when you've finished that first drink after a long week of working against the tide of utter bullshit that the masses (or your boss) keep pushing on you, the only way to escape is through the power of a really good DJ or at the very least a really good iPod playlist. Sometimes the only way to escape this fabulous life is to crank up the volume of a dope ass song and the rest just falls away. We find that there are many ways to maintain sanity in this life and many of them have to do with finding your groove, shaking that ass and bumping up the bass as often as possible.  

Dame Derision

 

Mockingbird Movie Guide: In A Van Down By The River

If you're lucky enough to be dodging raindrops in L.A. this weekend, then I propose that you attend the TCM filmfest, going on all weekend, forgo anything in the way of contemporary film viewing and hightail it on over to Graumann's to get your awesomeness on. For the rest of the flock, my sympathies for your geographic shortcomings and urge you to consider giving your dollars to someone worthy like this kid before you donate them to the cause of Hollywood this weekend.

SEE:    Lockout

I'll admit, this week's picks almost read more like the picks from another one of Madame Taunt's twisted Marry, Fuck, Kill posts, but Lockout seemed like the lesser of the three evils. Do you really think The Three Stooges looks better? Not even Cheech & Chong could get high enough to find that movie funny. (I love you, Will Sasso, but, oh, honey, no.) At least this movie has a solid lead actor like Guy Pearce that just might be able to carry whatever hokey plot points and ostentatious visual effects to their ends and still survive with both his dignity and career. He did his own stunts for it, and I give him bonus credit for that since so few actors and actresses even consider it. If it totally sucks, you can always go home and watch Memento or The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and it will immediately redeem him in your eyes no matter how bad the theater-going experience turns out to be.

RENT:    Miss Bala

I'll admit, what first caught my eye about this film is not the storyline (which is tightly written and quite compelling) but rather the fact that Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna are two of the producers. You had me at "Hola." This movie got lost in the Oscar whirlwinds and was curiously left out of the contenders for the Foreign Film category, but thankfully it's on DVD this week, so I strongly suggest you go check it out.

SKIP:    The Cabin In The Woods

What is Hollywood and the masses' obsession with these ridiculously silly horror films that don't seem to retain any of the qualities that make a good horror flick worthy of the title? (See this or this for proper referencing and consequential nightmares.)  I just can't get behind anything like this, let alone sit down and view this piece of crap. Screw the stupid cabin in the stupid woods, I'd rather be in a van down by the river.

 

Kiss My Grits,

Dame Derision 

Coachella 2012: Nobody Cares Two Weeks In A Row

I'm trying to muster up the gumption to write about this shitstorm for the third year and it's even more difficult than last time.

So what's new and exciting this time around? Instead of just one weekend of this overhyped and overrated event, this year it has been extended to two weekends in a row (joy!) but with the same exact lineup both weekends. Why the fuck does that make it edgier? It's not because they are such music lovers and want to share that love with their fans. It's because they love money. Specifically, YOUR money. Hasn't the lustre on this worn out just a bit? The gimmick, the appeal, has that not waned even an iota? Despite the fact a select few of these artists happen to be some personal favorites of mine, I still say, why bother? Is it just easier than doing a national tour on your own merits? But then how do you explain Prince's appearances? Because you always need the exception to the rule every year; to remind most of the other bands how so not worthy they truly are, no doubt.

Like he did a few years back.

 

De Nada,

Dame Derision 

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Wake Me When It's Time For "Mad Men"

Why, readers, why?  Just when I think there might be hope of a decent weekend of movie releases, I am quickly reminded of how mediocre the options are. Yet again. This might be enough of an impetus to start a petition to abandon this whole weekly Movie Guide idea altogether. At least until the next Blond Bond flick shows its sexy face that is.  

SEE:    Bully

I don't know if this is a good movie or not, but at least it's provocative enough to make one think outside of one's own self and hopefully encourage parents to, you know...parent. Bullying has been around probably since the dawn of the cave man, though that had more to do with survival than in today's modern version involving fear, ignorance, and bad or outright lack of parenting. I don't know if cave-dwelling teens ever clubbed themselves to death out of despair, but there's not a month that goes by that you don't hear about some kid who was either killed or killed himself because he was victim to a bully. Documentaries are extremely worthwhile ways to spend both your brain cells and your money at the theater.  

SKIP:    Mirror Mirror

This can wait. Maybe even forever. Do you really want to watch a Winklevoss running around in tights and seeing Julia Roberts play the "villain"? This is the closest we're going to get to her being a bad girl, isn't it? Wouldn't it be refreshing if she pulled a Denzel and showed us a bad guy role for a change? Or maybe either way she's a tad overrated. Regardless, I think it's safe to say you'd be better off skipping this one in a public setting.

RENT:    Clash of the Titans (1981!)

Only because the sequel to the 2010 version also comes out this weekend (but we all know to skip that one), it made me long for the camp and circumstance of the original 1981 film starring none other than one of the many fine alumni of L.A. Law, Harry Hamlin. Sure the special effects look like relics and some of it is more than a little bit dated, but it's so fun to watch! The stories are all compelling because they are pulled straight from their literary sources, and let's face it, who doesn't love a classic Greek myth come to life, complete with roles by Laurence Olivier and Maggie Smith? Then you throw in a little Burgess Meredith and you had me at hello. This is still my favorite scene from the film*. It scared the shit out of me as a young lass, but I learned to love it. 

  

It's too late, I've already released the Kraken,

Dame Derision 

*Oddly enough, it's also not far off from scenes from here at Casa Mock when we're a little too hung over or see a Daniel Craig wedding photo.