The Mockingbirds

Consults With The Countess: On Nail Polish Overflow and Keepin It 100

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Dear Countess,

I read your advice on how to spend Friday night and it made me look through my basket of nail polishes under the sink. And the drawer in my nightstand. And that sweet makeup case I promised myself I’d use to organize my nail polish. I have SOOOO many duplicates!! Have any ideas what I should do with them?

Nail Lacquer Lackey

Darling Nail Lacquer Lackey,

You are not alone. I am here with you (I miss you, MJ!), and also wonder if you looked through your purses. I have found that nail polish likes to hide there, too. As for solutions, you know I have a few! You can put them in party favors for your next soiree. Have any little sisters/cousins? Donate them for the next slumber party. Have a turtle or hermit crab? Jazz up that shell! Oooooo, the best thing you could do is tell your friends to gather all their extra polishes, bring some booze, and have a swap party. And you better invite me. I had this obsession with getting the perfect jade polish, and I have a lot of greens to get rid of. -CC

 
Dearest Countess of Unending Wisdom,

I have been reading your consults for a long time and I'm a huge fan. I would have written sooner, but, I was too afraid. Now, I have no choice and nowhere else to go. I think one of my coworkers wants my job and I am not sure what to do about it. She's always asking me questions, listening in on my teleconferences, lurking, and generally creeping me out. Normally, I would assume that she was your run-of-the-mill psycho killer (qu'est-ce que c'est?), but the look in her eye lets me know that she's waiting to take my place. Well, that and the fact that every time I walk by she yells "You suck. That job should be mine! That job will be mine!"

Can you help me?

Sincerely,

Hiding Under My Desk Because She's Walking Towards Me and I Hope She Doesn't Drag Me By the Ankle and Pull Me Out From Under

Dear Hiding Under My Desk,

Let’s start by getting the hell out from under that desk. Your desk. For the job YOU have. Let that hater hate. I guarantee that if she put even half of the energy she wastes being a jerk into doing some damn work, she’d have a better job of her own. Her bitterness is stank, so the best thing you can serve up is the sweet smell of confidence in your success. I’m going to prescribe a daily Damn, That’s My Jam! session to Bun B’s “Keep It 100”. Bump this in your car on the way to work and let it remind you to give your 100% and stop worrying about that trollop. Oh, and the next time she yells that nonsense at you, tell that ho “Good luck.” and keep on strollin’. -CC

 

Consults with the Countess: A Meal for Every Occasion

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Dear Countess,

Ever since I read that article about the meals a woman should know, I can’t help but think about how many other situations my womanhood is deficient in. What the hell am I supposed to make when my dad introduces me to his latest girlfriend who is two years younger than me, or I’m high and let the Jehovah’s Witnesses in, or how about when my slutty friend Lisa has her yearly pregnancy scare? How did my very own mother fail me so? I’m kinda freaking out here!

Thank you,

High and A Little Paranoid

Dear High,

First of all. Surely your mother at least taught you to share, right? Getting down to business, I’ll give you a few ideas, but you’re going to have to find recipes yourself, homework style. I’m kinda busy making waffles for the scenario where The Countess was really feenin for some waffles and made the mistake of saying it out loud, so now The Madame, The Baroness, and The Dame are staring at me expectantly. Mmmmm, blueberry. Let’s see what I can pull out of my bag of tricks real quick.

Scenario #1 – Meeting Dad’s New Little Blonde Piece

Drink: Whiskey and Ginger Ale, because the ginger ale is blond and bubbly just like her and the whiskey will keep you sane(ish).

Meal: There is no way in hell you should cook for this. Plus I’m pretty sure you use your dad’s dinner visits to go to all the fancy restaurants you can’t afford to go to on your own. Daddy owes you big for this one. Surf and Turf, it is!

Scenario #2 – Ganja infused Jehovah’s Witness visit

Drink: Icy cold milk

Meal: While they are getting you hip to the joys of being a witness to Jehovah, get them hip to the yumminess of birthday cake! Grab a cake mix and go to town. Candles, party hats, streamers, the works! Or you can be superbirthdayfancy and make this Paula Deen caramel cake. Ooooooo, pardon me whilst I drool.

Scenario #3 – 5th Annual Thank God, She Was Just Late Party

Drink: You will probably need a drink, any drink since it was a pretty close call this year, but maybe someone ought to be monitoring Lisa’s drinks. It would be unseemly for her to get sloppy and pregnant at a soiree as classy as this.

Meal: Something hearty to sop up all the booze, like smoked turkey and Havarti paninis or whatever y’all can get from Burger King delivery at 4 in the morning. (No milkshakes, BK?! Really??!!! Losers.)

Well, dear, I hope that helps you. I really gotta go. My waffle iron is ready to take Casa Mock to Yummytown, but it’s mostly because these other silly ass 'Birds will not stop texting “WAFFLES!!!!” to me from across the kitchen. Whores.

Until next time,

-Countess auContraire

Consults with The Countess: Totally Sane Email, Part Deux

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Oh wise and beautiful Countess,

Thank you for your sage advice. I sent the wonderful reply email to the husband. I didn’t get a response from him, but I did get this from the wife:

Sadly no one has turned in the rings yet. The good news is that we had the jewelry box fingerprinted and got some other clues too. The detectives will be calling soon.

To the woman who took the rings you know who you are and soon we will too: I have told the police that if you return the rings or you tell me where they are I WILL NOT press charges. I just want my rings back. So this is your last chance to return them before going to jail.

We are out of town this weekend so we will not see you coming in. The building has NO surveillance cameras (the sign is out of date). To avoid prosecution for Grand Theft you must deliver the rings now. Place them in an envelope. Under the brown leather couch in the lobby.

Consider yourself lucky and return them now before the authorities come and get the rings and you.

Thank you.

Is there a next step for me?

Still Not Guilty

Dear Still Not Guilty,

How beautiful that even though their relationship is in peril, they are taking some much needed time together. If you didn't take the rings, then there is no next step for you. Unless.....naw, I really shouldn't......What's that you say? Yes, it is quite true that my instincts are always on point, but.......Oh, you release me from any liability for any actions that may occur based on what I say....and you had a box of these tasty morsels sent to Casa Mockingbird for moi?...Okay! My inner Jessica Fletcher smells a set up. There is no way this chick is going to go quietly into that good night without knowing who the hell took her rings. NO. WAY. That surveillance camera probably is on. Or even better, they are sitting in an unmarked car across the street, just waiting for “the perp” to surface. Or even better than that, hubby is posted against the building, all incognito in a trench coat and dark glasses, reading an upside down newspaper and she is on the roof of the building across the street, sniper style, ready to bring the hammer of justice down upon those who would spit in the face of her marriage. Or even better than all of that, once the perp puts the rings under the brown leather couch, alarms start blaring, and then this happens. And if someone, like a concerned citizen, just happened to be in their neighborhood, and recorded what goes down, since their poor security cameras are "out", just think of how helpful they would be in the investigation! Plus, I need that footage. -CC

Until next time, my sweets!

-Countess auContraire

Consults with The Countess: On Recipes and Good Eatin'

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Dear Countess,

My coworker has brought some amazingly delicious foodstuffs to various office pot lucks. I love her for that. What I hate her for is always saying it’s a secret family recipe. “Oh, it’s my husband’s and me’s secret recipe.” “Why, my mother-in-law would just kill me if I gave that out! Tee hee.” Like she’s KFC and shit. What’s your stance on sharing recipes?

Sincerely,

Staring at Her from My Desk Right Now, Craving Those Tasty Ass Ham Balls She Made Last Week, Thinking of Stabbing Her with My Pen Until She Stops Being A Recipe Hoarding Hoebag

Darling Premeditated Stabber,

Put the pen down and stop staring. I know how you feel, but it’s rude, hon. Sadly, no one gives the art of recipe swapping its props anymore. My grandmother had recipes that were freely shared, some that had to be earned, and a few that never left her head. Ever. Her recipe for monkey bread left this earth when she did, and if that ain’t recipe hoarding, I don’t know what is. Dammit! I could punch a baby (an ugly one, of course) for a buttery nugget of that bread right now. (See, I told you I knew how you felt.) Anyway, I’m all for sharing recipes! Food makes people happy, so why the hell not. Plus I’m secure enough in the straight gangsta level of my cooking that I’m certain that what you made from my recipe won’t taste as good as mine. Maybe your coworker feels the same way my grandmother did, and needs something really good in return for her most popular recipes. Maybe there is a hookup you can provide, like the name of an excellent mechanic or your firstborn child. Or since the holidays are upon us, have her make two batches of ham balls and use one to recreate her big secret that I can almost guarantee she got off Epicurious.com or something. The other you can freeze and send right on to Casa MocknRock. -CC

My Countess of Truth and Righteousness,

I’ve been really good about eating healthy these past seven months and I have lost forty pounds. But on Thanksgiving, I hoovered everything in sight. The only fruit I ate was from my aunt’s delicious apple and blueberry pies. With Christmas and New Year’s coming, I can think of at least four different scrumptious food gatherings I have to make it through without gaining all my weight back. Do you have any tips?

Happy belated birthday,

Cornbread Dressing is My Crack

Dear Cornbread,

Thank you for the birthday wishes. It was, indeed, a happy day. Congrats to you, my love! Making the commitment to eat healthy is so important in these fatty food times we live in. Because while I’m sure you wanted to lose weight, you understood that the true point of eating healthy is to give your body the nutrients it needs to work at its best. Losing excess weight is just a byproduct of doing the right thing. There are hundreds of thousands of tips and tricks one could employ. The Baroness just brought five true gems to our attention. I don’t know that I can top that kind of genius, but I will say this: Don’t stress out about delicious holiday eats. It’s not like you’re eating all that food every day. Make the yummy work for you! The way I see it, the spiral sliced ham makes listening to the insane ramblings of Uncle Steve worth ten, fifteen minutes of my time. Candied yams buys Weirdo Cousin Tina one story about her good times at mortuary makeup school. When you can’t take anymore, take a nap, basking in the knowledge that you ate your favorite foods and gave Tina some much needed time with the living. And then go back to your regularly scheduled healthy eating. You can do it, girl! -CC

Until next time,

-Countess auContraire

Consults with The Countess: A Proper Reply to a Totally Sane Email

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Dear Countess of Common Sense,

I got roped into attending this women’s support group with my friend. She’s going through some things and I figured I’d be nice. While I had frightening visions of that ladies group from Fried Green Tomatoes pulling out hand mirrors to look at their vaginas, it was actually pretty nice to be in a room of women willing to share and learn. I even had thoughts of going back to the next meeting, when I got this:

For those that I have not had the privileged of meeting, I am Rachel's husband. Last Wednesday the monthly meeting of the Queens of the Valley Lady Group was held at our place. As for what I was told, it was a wonderful informative fun meeting. Rachel and I love to have people over at our place. With a whole heart we open our home with love, happiness and most of all trust. I am very saddened to say that after the meeting, Rachel and I noticed that someone has gone into Rachel's jewelery box and has taken Rachel's engagement ring and an additional ring gifted to her by her mother. I gave that ring to my dear Rachel with my heart, soul, and love. That ring was meant for my beloved, for the journey I so wanted to take with her. I ask... I Beg of you, whomever took the ring. Please return it to its rightful owner. Rachel and I will not press any charges, I do not even want to know who it is. Just so you can understand the theft of that ring has caused us a great lot of pain. It is bringing into question the trust we have in people in our home. and worst of all, Rachel feels that its a sign and is now questioning our marriage. I ask that you take into consideration how a marriage can come to an end because of the theft of that ring and what it means to my queen. My mother in-law and I are putting a $20,000 REWARD for the return of that ring. Please have a heart!

Umm…wow. I didn’t take the rings and I don’t really know how to reply to something like this, so could you help me?

Love,

Not Guilty

Dearest Not Guilty,

I feel so honored that you felt you could turn to me in your hour of need! Of course, I’ll help you! Let’s see…the best reply should profess your innocence and more importantly, let this obviously devoted young man know you understand the gravity of his situation. Because everyone deserves to be heard, right? How about this:

Dear Rachel’s Husband,

I am shocked and appalled that such a thing could happen after such a wonderful time was had at your lovely abode. I’m sorry but I did not take your queen’s rings. I wish I could be of more help to you. Your willingness to let total strangers, not just into your home, but also deep into the recesses of your marriage really did touch my heart. It's almost as stirring as watching Kim & Kris's love story blossom before America's eyes. To have such a rock solid relationship reduced to rubble due to a ring theft makes me question my own relationships. How can anyone be sure of the trueness of their love when baubles are being snatched away right under their noses?! So tragic. Anyway, I wish you two kids the very best and I hope you get your rings back.

Much love,

Not Guilty

P.S. Maybe something like this will help.  

There you go, toots. Feel free to tweak it if you want, but I know you won’t. –CC

P.S. I hope you don’t mind that I passed your email on to a colleague of mine who just loves to read. A lot.

 

Until next time,

Countess auContraire

Consults with The Countess: Duggars are Cool and Occupy Allergies

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Dear Countess,

I love you so much and I can’t wait for you to get all riled up about how totally insane it is for those Duggar breeding monster people to have ANOTHER BABY!!! On your mark. Get set. GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Sincerely,

Not Octomom

Dear Not Octomom,

I love you, too! And I hate to disappoint you, but I have nothing but well wishes for that crazy babymaking Duggar couple. They deserve a medal for having all those kids crawling all over the damn place, yet still finding some private time to make that magic happen. Get it! If anyone is going to be on the business end of getting me somewhat irked, it’s Sara Gilbert (formerly and most radly known as Darlene, now tree-hugging host of that crapfest barely known as The Talk) who complained about the “environmental footprint” the Duggar family is making with that many children. Girl, hush. From the few episodes I have seen, those kids seem to be well behaved, responsible little people who are probably more environmentally responsible than I will ever be, without even thinking about it. Plus I have a deep desire to give all the girls makeovers (Dear Mr. and Mrs. Duggar, I promise they will be totally tasteful and respectful to y’alls values but the bang insanity has got to end! Love, CC), so I gots to be nice. Team Duggar! CC

 

Dear All-Knowing Countess,

I have been down here Occupying to bring down the corruption that is destroying my America, chanting, holding signs, beating drums, playing Angry Birds, and reading your blog on my iPad. Could you give us a shout out? Or even better, come and join us!! We can set up a tent for you guys!! Your support would really show those Wall Street fatcats that we have the best and the brightest on our side. Plus, I’m pretty sure you smell good. What kind of soap do you use? I miss soap.

Fighting The Power(ful Urge to Bathe),

Taking The System Down

Dear TTSD,

You Occupiers are really making bold statements throughout the country, and I absolutely applaud and respect that. Now is the time, Occupiers of so many cities across the country, to take the attention you have garnered and convert it to concrete mandates for change in your communities. Those in power need to know that, basically, their way of doing things sucks, and therefore they need to be called out on their bullshit. And then they need to stop bullshitting. Or go away and make room for those who are bullshit free. Now more than ever, we need to hold our officials, whether we voted for them or not, accountable to doing what is best for the country. Not just what will keep them in office. So, yeah, Wall Street and Washington, get your shit together!!!

There’s your shout out, my sweet! I must politely decline your generous offer to host us because we all have such severe allergies, you see. I am allergic to tents and anything camping related, The Baroness is almost homicidally allergic to hippies, The Madame is allergic to large crowds of people (unless they are gathered for a Metallica concert or in line for beer) and drum circles make The Dame’s ears bleed. But good luck to you and stay safe out there! CC

P.S. I use that cucumber Dove bar soap. Go bathe. Right NOW.

Until next time, my loves

-Countess auContraire

Consults with the Countess: Lightning Round

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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I usually answer questions that require much thought, patience, and love. So this week, I’m showing love to all the lovely quickly answered questions I get. If you have a question, you can tweet them to me @MockingbirdsNow #consults. Let’s get this rumpus rollin! –CC

 

Are legwarmers coming back? - ColdAnkles

Oh, my sweet, they never left. -CC

 

Liquid eyeliner or pencil? – Cat Eye

Both! Pencil for everyday, liquid for when applying make-up sober(ish) – CC

 

Which Sex & the City character are you? – I’m a Charlotte!

I’m the Black one from Texas that generally has her shit together. Remember her? Oh, wait…– CC

 

Dancing with the Stars or So You Think You Can Dance? – Rump Shaker

Until they get some actual damn stars and the bitchy brilliance that is Mia Michaels, SYTYCD til I die! – CC

 

Can we ever have world peace? – Rainbow

This is a great question that has been most astutely answered by one Woody Allen, and to which I will also add a ban on television shows based on fairy tales. I’m talking to you, ABC and NBC. Stop. - CC

 

I'm awesome. How should I get on a reality show? - FuturSupaStar

If you are awesome in the sense that you are living an amazing life after being in a tragic accident that left you with just your right thumb and your left pinkie, shop that shit around!! I know I'd watch. Just one episode, but I'd watch it. But if you just wanna add to the clear and present destruction of civilization that is the reality television landscape filled with rich idiots who do nothing, poor idiots who pretend to be rich, drunk idiots who tan and get drunker, and idiots who claim to be wives of professional basketball players but are really just making young(ish) Black women look like money grubbing, bullshitting pit vipers, then I suggest you take a flying fucki----whoa. Let me calm down a second. I'm just frightened by the insanity that today's reality programming brings. Aren't you? Those Salahi fools busted into the White House, people are using it as an excuse to plot murder. Where is the damn line?! So to answer your question, go sell your soul by googling reality TV casting. I'm sure something will pop up. -CC

 

And with that, I have a DVR full of A-List: New York and Most Eligible Dallas to watch. Smooches, my loves!

-Countess auContraire

Consults with The Countess: Child Support and Organics

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Dear Countess auContraire,

Greetings from a fellow seeker of beauty and perfection. Have you received the basket of delicious canned summer fruits from my estate I sent yesterday? It should have arrived by now. If it hasn’t, please let me know so I can fire someone. I do hate ineptitude so. As one of only a handful of people in this world I can consider my equal, I come to you for council about my daughter. She has always been rebellious and disdainful, but I thought it would have passed, given that she is 46 years old and has a child of her own. Now she has written a book about her life, including details about my parenting style that she seems to find distasteful. My query for you is whether or not I should publicly care, since you know that privately I do not worry about such poppycock. While you and I both excel at most endeavors, you have a much better sense of the inner workings of people than I do. I am near perfect enough to admit my few faults.

Sincerely,

A Good Thing

P.S. Please do not forget to tell me about that basket. I have had such a fierce firing craving lately. AGT

Dear Good Thing,

Your praise of my greatness is flattering and true. Thank you ever so for the fruit basket. It was lovely and all the other ‘Birds send their regards. There will be no need to fire anyone on our behalf. Times are tough now, so keep fighting the good fight against that firing craving. I believe in you! In regards to your surly womanchild, I find it best to kill her…with kindness!! Praise her writing skills, promote her book, have a laugh about the entire affair! That’s really all she wants anyway. Plus it’s good for business, since her entire career is based on being your super sarcastic daughter and promoting your brand. Give her a pat on the head and keep collecting them checks!

Full of Fruity Deliciousness,

CC

 

Dear Countess,

I watched this one documentary and am really worried about all the chemicals that everything has. Thinking about all the things that have harsh chemicals in them, like shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, soda, detergent, non-hemp clothing, shoes, chicken, beef, etc. all makes me upset that no one else cares. I have taken to putting this wealth of information in every comment I leave on every site I have ever visited, but the wall of chemical ignorance is so hard to break through. What can I do? And also, where should I start with not using non-organic products myself?

Chemically Overwhelmed

Dear Chemically Overwhelmed,

Is this, by chance, the documentary that has you so worried? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! I kid. And I agree that deciding which way to begin using less chemically harmful products can be scary. I also do not suggest going cold turkey. Moderation in testing out what works best for you is key. While you may find that a certain organic shampoo works just fine for your hair, that organic deodorant crystal may have you ripe as fresh cut onion. That is too organic for anyone else to be forced to deal with. Go to your local organic supermarket, hit the olive bar a few times, munch on all the samples on display, and politely ask someone who looks normal what they use. Never ask the people who work there, reek of patchouli (THAT DOES NOT HIDE YOUR FUNK, HIPPIES!!), wearing tie-dyed fabrics and/or Jesus sandals, or any combination thereof. As far as telling people what to do with their lives on the internet, leave that hefty job to us. We are the experts after all.

Lovin that Joker,

CC

 

And with that, I bid y'all adieu! Until next time, my sweets!

Countess auContraire

Consults with The Countess: Confessions and Apologies

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Countess of Wonderful,

I have a secret that I have never told. I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help myself. Okay, here goes. I am a fan…of One Tree Hill. Whew! I said it! People make fun of it and I laugh along with them, but I always sing the theme song in my head to absolve me of my sin. What can I do?

Shamefully,

Undercover Lover of Chad Michael Murray

Dearest Lover of CMM,

Your honesty touches me and I shan’t mince words. It’s a stupid, stupid show and damn Soapnet for running that marathon a few years ago and sucking me right the hell into it. Dan Scott is such an asshole!! Anyway, if you really feel that bad about joining in the Tree-bashing, don't do it. Sing your song, woman. Tell people what you love about it. But you know what? Who said everybody has to know everything you watch anyway?! Fuck 'em! Like they don't have a few episodes of Hillbilly Hand Fishin' or Parking Wars on their DVR??!! What. Ever. It gets lonely being a Ravens fan sometimes, but I also know it could be worse. You could be a fan of Two and A Half Men and there’s no way to save you from that. Not even me. And I can do anything.  CC

 

Dear Countess,

Soooooooo this girl from this show that’s only funny if you are into actually LOLing TOTALLY mocked me in front of, like, other people about how I pose on the red carpet, which is really A LOT of work that I’ve been practicing for, like, ALWAYS!!!, and I was like “Whaaaaa?!” and she was all “Cackle, cackle, cackle” cuz she’s like totes a witch and stuff. I put my Twitter followers on her and then she like WOULD NOT just apologize. So now I come to you, my lady. Countess, make her say “I’m sorry”! MAKE HER!!! You’re the only one who can!!

Gleefully yours,

Posing Right Now

Dear Poser,

You were so right to come to me with this, because I was just having a conversation with The Dame about the acceptability of forcing people to say they are sorry. Obviously, when you make someone, like a child, say they are sorry, they absolutely mean it. Having someone stand over you and make you do something makes everything so sincere, am I right? Especially, when they have done something as awful as mimic the exact thing you do in every picture where you give that “fashion face”. So keep on posing, girl. You’re good at it. CC

P.S. I do need to say you should relax your lips a bit. Wouldn’t want this to happen.

 

And that's all, kids! Have a great week.

-Countess auContraire

 

Consults with The Countess: Post Labor Day Whites and Namesakes

Lambs,

Your Countess gets soooooo many emails begging for my infinite wisdom, wit, and fashion commentary. So I figured I would share the love with all of you. Welcome to Consults with The Countess.

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Countess,

Will the Devil strike me down if I wear white after Labor Day?

It’s 60% Off

Dear 60%,

Hell no, the Devil won’t strike you down for post Labor Day white. Otherwise, LisaRaye, who only wears white, would not be around to make me laugh on the insanity that is Single Ladies. A few years ago, I found some awesome white jeans and I wear them hos whenever I’m feeling extra sassy. I don't know where you live but it is still hot as hell outside, so some cool, classy whites are absolutely still allowed. That jacket is super cute AND 60% off??!! Get. It. NOW. The Madame may arm wrestle you for it though. Stay alert. CC

 

Dearest Countess,

I wanted to thank you for the great advice you gave me when I was Troubled Without Toast. I have reread your answer several thousand times and finally told my boyfriend to respect me. Well, I texted him to respect me. It was more I texted him if he wouldn’t mind respecting me. But I think he really got the point because when he went out with his friends the other night, which was my birthday, he sent me a happy birthday text, which I was super stoked about. We are really on the right track now and I was thinking it was time for me to get pregnant. He’s gonna be so surprised!! I was wondering if it would be okay to name our baby after you, since you were so instrumental to our newfound happiness.

No More NuvaRing (formerly Troubled Without Toast)

Dear Troubled,

Oh. Um...bravo to your newfound sense of empowerment. I'm gonna pray for you, girl. While it is quite the honor for you to name your child after me, I think it may be difficult to the little dear to live up to the weight and responsibility that being a sad sad pawn to keep a horrifically unstable "relationship" afloat my namesake incurs. I am quite the original. But I will suggest a more attainable namesake goal: Oprah or Martin Luther King. CC

Dear Countess,

A friend of mine lured me to a party filled with stupid girls. Can I ever forgive her?

 

Someone You Don't Know

 

Dear Someone,

I am sure that when your friend asked you to go, it was because she didn't want to drown in the sea of stupid all alone. Maybe your friend viewed you as a life raft of sanity from which she could make fun of said stupid girls and drink all their liquor. Maybe, just maybe, your friend thought you would get some great material if you ever wanted to write a blog about how much you hate stupid people. Maybe she's the best friend you have ever had and she's mixing up a pitcher of mango screwdrivers right exactly now. So forgive your friend. She sounds really rad. CC

Until next time, my loves.

-Countess auContraire