If there is one thing Your Countess knows, it’s how to be beautifully confident. While my fellow Mavens of Mock and I do our best to impart our fantasticality to you via los interwebos, there is no better place on television to learn to be a lady than RuPaul’s Drag Race. Every week on LOGO, these ladyboys are dropping knowledge (and eyelashes) left and right and I’ll be here (knee-deep in sequins and trying on wigs) to pass the sparkly morsels on for your pleasure.
The end is not here after all, suckas, because RuPaul is taking the vote to the people! Most likely only a percentage will determine the winner, because there is no way in hell Ru is going to leave the entire choice for America's Next Drag Superstar up to America. Ask Taylor Hicks how well that worked out for him.
Let the almost end begin!
A lady will never...
- break (totally unexplained to the audience) rules of the show, Willem. RuPaul will ever so gently lull you into the safety of watching two other queens lip sync for their LIIIVES and then coldly sashay your ass out!
- lack nerve! It's a damn requirement! They quickly weeded out those of little faith in themselves, like Lashauwn and The Princess. And the only reason I remembered them at all was because I watched the season recap.
- do a Brito-Rican accent, unless you are having a stroke. Some things just can't be helped.
A lady will always...
- keep the people guessing! Kenya Michaels chromosomes are still in question.
- let Biscuit Jesus sop you up!
- have the chutzpah to make "Go Back to Party City, where you belong!" the best burn of 2012 so far!
- be her best self, whether that means letting her freak flag unfurl with pride a la Sharon Needles, letting ambition carry her through like PhiPhi O'Hara, or the most PRO-FESS-ION-AL bitch on the block, Chad Michaels style.
- be "large and in charge, chunky yet funky, bold and beautiful." Ladies and gentlemen, just strive to be Latrice Royale and you will never go wrong.
There we are, lambs. Tweet your Queen of choice with #DragRace to @RuPaulsDragRace and see if Ru actually chooses a winner or finds another fun way to drag it out for another week. She's tricksy like that.