Hark! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and the Mockingbird Movie Guide is the sun. It is also January, the beginning of a new year, which gives me hope, and the beginning of a new film awards season, which fills me with dread. As such I’m neutral at the moment. This is not a state of mind I am comfortable with on any level (give me hatred or give me Daniel Craig) but I shall press on in an effort to inform you on the best, the okay and the Mark Wahlberg coming to your cinemas this week.
I’m lying. I really just want to make Living Single references. Where my nun-chucks at?!
SEE: Joyful Noise
Suck it, pretense! Bite me, cynicism! Piss off, Friday the 13th curse (of bad luck and horrible sequels)! I’m going to try something called optimism and this film seemed like the perfect way to experience the joy of camp and earnest expressions of love and happiness. Joy is in the title, which was my first clue, with the second and third being the presence of Dana "Queen 'Kadija James' Latifah" Owens and Dolly "Dolly Parton" Parton, respectively. It’s true that this perhaps has the look of a straight-to-DVD or Lifetime movie, and Ms. Parton’s face is looking a little too worked on, but we could all use a light and airy distraction from the crushing self-seriousness that will descend upon audiences soon enough.* Plus, it behooves us all to lighten up a bit and give in to some silly now and then, especially if the now is the soul-crushingly dark month that is January.
RENT: Things
Okay, I’m over it, got that positive shit out of my system. We all have some work to do as awards shows fast approach; we need to educate ourselves on the movies that are being nominated so as to be enraged at the ludicrousness of the entire process in a more informed way. Or I could do that, blog about the experience (with visual aids) and you can read it- that can be our solemn promise to each other. I am going to start by tracking down the sure to be ignored Take Shelter, starring Michael “Nu General Zod” Shannon, because it is supposed to be excellent, frightening and unusual, and while I am standing in line behind a film school grad in a cardigan and skinny jeans (male) discussing symbolism in Argento’s films, I will daydream about finding the horror-musical directed by Vincent D’Onofrio called Don’t Go in the Woods because the words "horror-musical directed by Vincent D’Onofrio" are magical. At least in that order.
SKIP: Contraband
I implore everyone to skip this bit of Hollywood schlock and instead use those two-plus hours researching the why behind Marky Mark’s eyebrows. I am obsessed, yet my busy schedule hasn’t permitted me to google them or stop caring. Why do they do that? Are they waxed to a point? Did he do Botox? I think I am sublimating all of my hatred towards Wahlberg- borne out of him being responsible for the misogynistic bit of clichéd trash that was Entourage, for having a typical Hollywood tool attitude, for trying to deny his Funky Bunch past, for being short- into this follicle-based obsession, and I apologize. But they are freaky and wrong! And I really didn’t want to actually write about whatever this movie is, but I definitely want to warn people off. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I wish Living Single was streaming on Netflix.
THE REST: Meryl Streep is still the best actress alive…Sybil leaves Downton Abbey for a modern day drama….Tilda Swinton gives birth to a sociopath…a fairly interesting ensemble tries to elevate a pretty cliche story…Michael Biehn!
That wasn't so bad for the first go in the new year. I'm feeling very refreshed.
Ride the maverick,
Madame Taunt
*This could also be achieved by going to see the re-release of Beauty and the Beast, an excellent movie that I can not watch again because I’ve yet to get over the death of Jerry Orbach. RIP Lenny Briscoe.
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