I light a candle for Anna Faris every time I hear the sound of your Barney Rubble-like laugh in the trailer for your latest movie that will play for eternity on Comedy Central. (I can only pray to the fellow Goddesses of Cool that they do not let her follow your same path.)
Why oh why must I see your mug plastered on every other billboard and why am I forced to tolerate your mediocre “acting” abilities and be told that you are “hot” and “successful”? The only reasons that would explain this inundation of that awful voice is that your agent is your mother. Or your agent is getting a 90% cut of your salary. Or both. Either way, it needs to stop.
Since your semi-cute bit role in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, it’s been a steady decline for the female libido as you’ve chopped off your fro, shed those cuddly pounds instead of that STUPID leather cuff. Lose it, seriously, dude. The only time that was sexy was when Johnny Depp rocked that shit on 21 Jump Street.
Grow your hair and your belly back out, go produce some brilliant indie films and then maybe, just maybe you’ll be worthy enough to buy me a drink.
Until then, Mr. Rogen, I will send you off with this gem from a great philosopher of yore, Vince Neil, “Don’t go away mad, just go away.”
-Dame Derision
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