The Mockingbirds

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Make Your Move

Hello, welcome to summer, where the livin’s easy, especially when one has the Mockingbird Movie Guide, where the week’s releases are broken down by Dame Detroit and me, Madame M…Los Angeles. You’re stuck with the latter at the moment, and I’m staring at a list of movies that only inspires a “What the fuck”- not in the “Huh?” sense but in the Ray Ban wearing, mega watt smile flashing sense. Saying it gives you freedom, and freedom gives you opportunity, the opportunity to see something unexpected in the theaters, a rarity in the summer months.

Or you could just dance around the house in your underwear instead, whatever.

SEE:    Wherever your whim takes you

Do a little searching, a little wandering and seek out something different. There’s Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom, which is by all accounts well acted, enchanting and beautiful in that Wes Anderson way. There’s always something heartbreaking or funny or weird or all three in his films that will stick with you, even if his tone is a little twee and the look a little stylized for some tastes. Pair it with the offbeat horror film from Australia called The Loved Ones and you have a potentially mind-expanding situation. Any movie whose plot involves lobotomies and the prom has to be an experience, so go out and get some experience. Just be mindful of where you park your dad’s Porsche.

RENT:    The Alien Quadrilogy

Where do we come from? Are we alone? Is there a god? Is quadrilogy a word? Find all of the answers in the Alien Quadrilogy aka the Alien Anthology aka a bunch of classic films in a fantastic and influential franchise. You get to see the original psychosexual sci fi classic that started it all (and introduced the world to the magnificent Sigourney Weaver- see below), the most quotable movie of all time, the beginning of David Fincher’s feature film career, and a Whedon-penned flick that features Winona Ryder as an android. You’ll also be preparing to enjoy next week’s Prometheus, or maybe reliving the past glories of this franchise in case that movie sucks. Either way you're set. I deal in human fulfillment.

 

SKIP:    Snow White and the Huntsman

See Theron in Young Adult, see Hemsworth in Thor and/or The Avengers, see Nick Frost in the best movie ever, see Stewart in a Lifetime movie in two years and skip this overly CGI-ed, tired interpretation of a fairy tale that is only marginally interesting and also slightly offensive to begin with. This pimp of a movie will steal all the happy memories you may have of the Disney version or at least leave you feeling cheated and bored.

THE REST:    Andy Garcia is the best, but this is not…the Buried dude brings you another horror film…some sort of dance troupe extravaganza thing…FREE VING RHAMES…it’s a pun, y’all.

This post was accepted by the University of Illinois. 

Madame Taunt

The Stupidest Thing I Read Last Week: A Job Worth Doing Is A Job Worth Doing Right

 

"They tried a few methods to try to kill the victim."

 

At a certain point a few years ago I transitioned from being part of the younger generation to being part of the not-so-younger generation. At that time I drowned my sorrows in vodka, but took solace in the fact that The Countess had reached this point before me and would always be an elder 'Bird from my perspective. It wasn't until recently, though, that I began to realize what this transition means on a practical level. There are people out there who don't fully appreciate the joy of a John Hughes movie or the novelty of a hypercolor t-shirt. They don't even remember when Lars had hair. I just don't relate. I've become an old person.

 

And as an old person, I find it within my purview to criticize the younger generation, the one that supplanted my generation with less style and even less focus. I've noticed that they are unwilling to work to achieve their goals. They lack conviction and follow through. This does not a productive society make. One needs to learn discipline and dedication to get things done. One needs to finish what one starts if progress is to be made. As an example, take these three teenagers who were recently arrested for attempted murder. Allegedly, the three plotted to kill one of the teen's mothers, and although several murderous methods were employed (see quote above), including knocking her in the head with a flashlight (again, I don't relate) and poisoning, they failed so spectacularly that the victim of their attack(s) didn't seek medical treatment after the ordeal. Of course, since the mother was left relatively unharmed, she was well enough to accuse her would-be murderers, and it took authorities very little time to take all three them into custody. Now they are facing serious jail time and they didn't even come anywhere near achieving their goal.¹ It's just as I said: no discipline and no follow through. Murder plots require both proper planning and execution. You can't just whack someone on the head, slip something into their drink and then assume that it's all been taken care of. What if she starts feeling much better? Someone will notice. It's not the Dark Ages.

 

I weep for the future.

 

Baroness von Jeer

 

 

 

¹ Obviously, this is tragic story and the fact that the mother escaped unscathed is the best possible outcome, but it is illustrative of my point nonetheless.

Mid-Week Musical Interlude: A Drunkard's Dream

 

Pointless Facts with The Madame: Whether They Rock is Up to You

The length of your nail is proportionate to the length of your outermost finger bones, as is the growth rate.

Words to Live By: For Memorial Day

"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured with what is right in America."

                                                            -Former President William J. Clinton

Weekend Kiss Off: What's Cookin' Good Lookin'

It's been awhile but it looks like Daniel Craig aka The Blond Bond aka Our Number One Guy is doing that acting thing he does so well. What he is not doing is taking his shirt off, but with that cast and that director we're willing to let it slide. Tickets? Bought.

Mocking? Birds.

 

Mockingbird Movie Guide: Chillin' Out Maxin' Relaxin' All Cool

It is Friday before a long three-day weekend for most and before you go racing out to the movie theaters to bask in the air-conditioned, ergonomically correct seats, it is important to stop and take a moment to acknowledge what Memorial Day is really about. It's not about blockbuster movie weekend potentials nor is it about being the unofficially official start of the summer season. Honor those who have given their lives for the rest of us year after year, even if it's as simple as one red hot minute of reflection. Because, I guarantee you or someone you know has a veteran in their family and just as many who have lost one. This concludes today's sermon on Tequila Mountain.  

I now bring you the next chapter in the continuing saga of The Mockingbird Movie Guide.  

SKIP:    Chernobyl Diaries

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Hollywood would jump at the chance at taking one of the worst nuclear disasters in history and turning it into the playground for a bad horror movie. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. I shan't even bother saying anything further than dontfuckingbother.

SEE:     Men In Black III

Well, what the hell else is there to see instead? Though Mr. Smith has decided to go the way of Tom-Cruise-Crazy-Town when it comes to his spiritual side, you've got to admit, the man has aged well. He's still entertaining as hell and this time around in the series we get him partnered up with man candy Josh Brolin. Call it the boredom from lack of other choices or call it my very long girlhood crush on the Fresh Prince, but going to spend your dollars on this 106 minutes of celluloid won't be a waste. And when you're driving home afterwards, still picking the popcorn from your teeth and trying to find Summertime on your iPod to blast out the speakers and welcome in the warm days of the aforementioned season, you will be reminded of how lucky you are to be a fan of the most fabulous blog and want to share it with anyone who is literate. Or read aloud to those who are not.

RENT: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

This is usually left off of most "Best of" lists when talking about great television, like so many good comedies. This show had talent, heart and a whole lot of laughter. The show itself had its arcs, the early seasons concentrating on the fish out of water angle, but it managed to grow without too many hiccups into quite the specimen of a top quality comedy that still manages to work on most levels and reminds us how much presence and true entertainer qualities that Will Smith seems to have been born with.

 

Carlton was an underrated comic character, too.

Cue the Carlton dance,

Dame Derision 

Marry, Fuck, Kill: Well, Get On With It

Hello all, and welcome back to another installment of Marry, Fuck, Kill, a game that is rigged so that only we 'Birds win. It's a metaphor for life, y'all. Now that your mind is blown, let's get into it by introducing the players: Dame "I Heart Tony Soprano" Derision and Countess "Where the Hell is Tom Quinn?!" auContraire, and they are hunting down Stringer Bell, Adam Carter and Don Draper.

This game's beyond the fucking game.

Countess auContraire elucidates:

MARRY:    Stringer Bell. Street smart AND book smart?! He is my dream. Sure he's a ruthless drug kingpin, but I know that snitches end up in ditches and plausible deniability is everything, so I would make the most fantabulous mob wife. The HATS and sunglasses of it all!!! I'm just as jazzed for my funeral outfit as I am for the wedding dress.

FUCK:    Adam Carter. His work schedule is too hectic for marriage and I'm too pretty to be collateral damage if one of his missions go south. It did not work out so well for the first Mrs. Carter. So delicious sexy sex with him whispering sweet Arabic nothings in my ear it is! An English spy speaking Arabic??!!! Good God, YES!!!

KILL:    Don Draper. Sorry, Don, but you gotsta die. He's a badass for the '50s and '60s, but not nearly as badass as Stringer or Adam. Can I fuck him once or thirty times before I kill him, though?

Dame Derision waxes poetically:

MARRY:    Don Draper. For reasons further explained in the next category, I have chosen the smooth and sexy, and probably the most obvious choice. If you have the gift of sight, that is all the justification I need. Furthermore, I can dig a man who was born to wear a Brooks Brothers suit, listens to Frank Sinatra and who appreciates good whisky. And, quite frankly, some of the modern men could take a cue from your style. Do I really need to say more?

FUCK:    Stringer Bell. If my boy Omar hadn't have killed you off, you'd be up there in the Marry category. But the thought of becoming a widow and then needing to flee Baltimore as soon as your body hit the cemetery are my main reasons for turning down the proposal of one of the finest men to walk the Earth. So instead, I will choose you as my man-slave until The Baroness pries you from my bedroom chambers. (Avon was not as smart as you and I always was on your team, for the record.)

KILL:    Adam Carter. I googled you.  You're pretty cute. Unfortunately, I am not as up on  my BBC watching as I should be. That being said, I have to choose you for the muerte for this round as I am not familiar with your character. My apologies, as I'm sure you'd be worthy of trying to prove me wrong.

Pour yourself a stiff one, light a cigarette and remember, you are okay.

The Mockingbirds

The Stupidest Thing I Read Last Week: How Can You Have Any Pudding If You Don't Eat Your Meat?

 

"Somewhere out there, a team of wheel jackers lurks, waiting for their next victim."

It's a rather ominous sentence, belonging to an article about a rash of recent wheel thefts. Relatively speaking, the article itself is well written, and its subject matter newsworthy. Generally, it's not the sort of thing I would be writing about in this space. Certainly, it's not the sort of thing that makes my head explode.¹ Except that the story is set in Denver and the targeted cars are Subarus. Having grown up in and still being a frequent visitor to the Denver Metro Area, I find it difficult to comprehend why I should be alarmed there has been a sudden increase in these sorts of crimes recently. They can happen anytime, anywhere in Colorado. Every third car is a Subaru and every person who drives one is a hippie who is too busy applying patchouli, smoking weed, listening to their favorite jam band and/or organizing a pro-vegan rally to even notice that all four wheels are missing from their vehicle. It's like shooting fish in a barrel (or potheads at a Phish concert), as they say. It's not the fact that a bunch of Denver residents have awakened to discover that their beloved automobiles were defiled, but, rather, the fact that I am supposed to somehow be outraged, sympathetic or not gleeful is clearly The Stupidest Thing I Read Last Week.

 

Why should I care if a bunch of people who covet not only the same lame cars, but also the same weirdo sandals (that they insist on wearing with socks) and outdoor activities as everyone else around them are deprived of their primary mode of transportation for a few days? All that really happens when a gaggle of Subaru wheels are stolen around Denver is that traffic gets better (due to the aforementioned distractions, the hippie/Subaru owners tend to be seriously terrible drivers) and I get a good laugh. Drop these same people into LA, and I guarantee that they'd start coveting the same fake blond hair, plastic surgery and eating disorders that everyone else has out here. And then I would get a good laugh when all their hair falls out from over processing. At the end of the day, they're just willingly dropping themselves into the meat grinder of life,² and I am not particularly interested in making sure that they're interests are protected. 

Whether they know it or not, this band of thieves is targeting people who buy directly into the to the biggest "machines" in the State of Colorado. I'd like to buy them a drink. Maybe even one of Colorado's many (many) microbrews.

Baroness von Jeer

 

 

¹ My apologies for my behavior last week. I had just missed the latest episode of Sherlock and it didn't record because DVR was too full and now I have to wait for the DVD to get here before I can see it and WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AN ARTICLE LIKE THAT? 

² Note that this reference should be particularly poignant (and frankly ironic) for the victims, because if I know anything about Subaru drivers from Colorado, I know that they listen to a lot of Pink Floyd.

 

Mid-Week Musical Interlude: Are The Stars Out Tonight